December

Its been one year since i got home. A lot of things have changed. What remains constant is that i keep on missing her. hehe If only she knows, there isnt a day in my life since i met her that i have not missed her.
I hope i get a better luck next year. This year has been really bad, i wish itll get better next year.

November

I can’t believe that it’s almost a year since I have been home. It doesn’t feel that way, and its just surreal how time is so insignificant today. We have so much things to do, yet we have so little time to do them. I remember this day back in Baguio, it was cold and gloomy just like any normal day there. I literally spent the whole day on the phone taking care of sick people. One guy was having hemorrhoids, and another lady was having weird back pains. I couldn’t stop thinking about home. It was as if home is a weird word, its like I would never reach to the point of getting there. Yet, I had so many plans in my thoughts, so many expectations, so many ambitions, and so many dreams to materialize them.
And then I went home. Nothing that I have ever planned, or did I ever even think of came true. My expectations were all wrong, and I could not understand it even though I have believed I have lowered them to the extreme. Hehe
I watched a talk just the other week. The guy who spoke told about life changing decisions. I never thought that by one single choice your whole life can turn around. Its like choosing two unknown roads, and you’re at the crosspoint. If you take left, you know that it would be a smooth walk down to where you’re going, but you take the bumpy, hard right just because it makes you happy. And then you start thinking what makes you really happy? Are you happy when you’re rested? Are you happy because you’re comfortable? Or would that kind of happiness ever make you a better person. I remember the words of the speaker during the talk I mentioned above as he quoted a Chinese maxim. He said, " a gem would never shine without friction". I pondered over those words, and they mean something to me.
Im grateful for all my trials and problems. Along the way I will be getting more Im sure, maybe some of them will be life changing too. But for whatever its worth, I know that when we get over those problems, we become better persons inch by inch. When we make mistakes, we learn a lesson the very hard way, but we still live to learn that lesson.
I had my own life changing decision. I think that’s the only decision that I ever did that I really decided it by my own. I’m grateful that I have decided to be with her. The roads maybe bumpy and the walk is sometimes hard. But because of all those friction, I have learned that love goes beyond what is comfortable. Love goes beyond not only when were happy, or rich, or clean, or beautiful or when were smiling. Love is also hard, and painful, tiring, full of tears, heartbreaking, and poor. The best thing I think that ive learned from this decision, is that I love her more when she is ugly, or when were poor, or when everything is hard around us, than when everything is well.
My life has changed since last year, she has changed my life and I could never repay her for the happiness she brings to me. It occurred to me that maybe I didn’t fail with my plans, just as she has been unexpected, maybe I will get more unexpected plans. As much as God has given her to me, maybe God will give me a better path to walk.
I wouldn’t be afraid to walk no matter how hard the road He is going to give me , as long as I am walking it with her.

10 october2008

Jacob is growing real quick. He knows know how to prone, and i hope in a few months i can be able to walk him. The sem is also ending and i have had a good ride with law school and everything. Im just scared with my grades , no pun intended.

My life has changed and the things i have planned before going home from my mission have never been materialized. I guess i was just wishy washying again. I really need to get job. She told me that everything that has a reason for it. We may not understand it for now, and the mistakes that we do, but its consequences whether bad or worse, will remind us that a lesson has been taught just for us to grow. Thats what i have learned the past few months.

I love her, and i dont think i will ever get tired of loving her. She is not the one i expected her to be, but she has become more than i ever wanted. I dont know if i will be able to wait for her. Just thinking right now of her that shes not by my side, gives me a pang of longingness. Parched by the agony and the need to see her face. And only to quenched by her simple smile.
The world i knew before was huge and wide. The world i live now lies in two lovely eyes.

10september2008

Its been 9 months since i got home. The other day i went to the mall and they started playing christmas songs, which i think is too premature. I rememberd my last christmas in the mission. When everyone is having feasts in their tables, i was eating 2 packs of noodles for my christmas day. hehe I loved my mission, its one of the biggest part of my life.
Today was a bad day. I was refused from the job i was applying and made her really upset. If i can only turn the hands of the darn clocks, i shouldve went home early. THe past weeks have been really exhausting. I had to drive home everyday, and i missed a lot of study time, and soon ill be paying it with some red marks i guess.

Its also the day that Ive been with her for 4 months now. It doesnt feel like four months. Its as if i am with her all of my life, and at the same time the brevity of time cannot exact the lost time that i havent known her yet.

The last four months have been the best 4 months of my life. The more i know her, the more i like her. THe more I see her, the prettier she gets. THe more i listen to her, the more i am amazed with her. The more i love her, the deeper i am falling for her.

I do not know what will happen for the next four months, or the next four years, or the next four decades, oR for my four next lives. All i know is that i could not even spend the next four seconds without her in my life. How could I, if she is my life.

maam...

17th august

its august again. i remember this month last year, I was in urdaneta and it was raining hard that time. We had to cross a flood just to get to this investigator who has managed perfectly to keep us on our toes by consistently avoiding us. I was there wet, taking my shoes off , lifting them with both hands while crossing that 3 foot flood on barefoot. I remember it was actually my birthday that time, and i had a fever in the night. It was an upsetting day . Well, all my birthdays are upsetting. Its just another mark to remind you that youre growing old and so much wasted time is happening in your life.

I had my birthday just a week ago. I turned 24 and old. hehe I also had a fever that night. But i wasnt upset. I think it was my best birthday. I had the best gift in the world that time. I have her.

28july2008

and so there you are
and here i was
what took you long, what took you far
to have you near me at last

i thought you knew where i stood
i waved and waved but you never see
i shouted all my muster, my good
you failed still to hear my plea

it hurt so much for me to see
before, another hand has walked you home
it pains so much so needlessly
you even have to tear for that butthole

you shouldve known id sell my soul
just so youd never cry again
i couldve eaten shrimps and all
just so your hunger would never begin

you shouldve known ill soak myself
so that youll never be wet
i couldve bought sadness itself
so that youll never be upset

you shouldve known i could be sickly
so youre biogesic would never grin
i couldve suffered all the leprosy
and that youll never have to scratch your skin

i coulve sang all the bad tunes
just so youd sound great
i couldve been your tricycle driver
and that youd never be late

i couldve eaten all the fats
so that youll never gain a pound
i woulve bought a glue that lasts
so that youll always stick around

you shouldve known how waiting is
a painful cross to bear
you shouldve known this is a bliss
to see you face so near

and now here i am , and here you are
i couldnt ask for more
and though now, were just buildings afar
yet i will still love you even more.

maam

its the 12th of july at nearing 3 am in the morning. In a few hours from now i would be taking my first law exam, which is in the civil code. Im supposed to be studying at the moment, but this is by far the longest time i have studied in my whole lifetime in one subject. I had to be familiar with 51 Articles since memorizing them in toto will be unbelievably unattainable. Im trying to get a break so my brain break asunder.
In a while ill be calling her again. She just had a fever, and i hope by tomorow shell be fine with the paracetamols we bought.i cant stop thinking about her. Everyday i would think about her even if i tried all my best not to.

Tonight as i left her to herself with a descending fever, i thought of how beautiful she was leaning back against that wooden chair. With a wet hankerchief on her forehead, she was closing her eyes, and her hair partially covered her face. Even though she was literally chilling, and sick, i thought she was the prettiest lady in the whole world. And how lucky i was just to sit beside her as i fold one of my photocopies to fan her. I thought of how many times i have seen her, and adored her, and relentlessly think of her.

And despite of the countless times i think of her, i think I will never get tired of looking at her.

15june2008

I think i know so little about her, yet i know a lot. I know her name is a combination two words, while her other second name is said to be another term for labor. I know her birthday falls on the first of may . She lives at the back of an hospital, and resides in a compound with her family. She is the first of three children, and was raised by hardworking and loving parents.

I know a number things she loves the most, and they are food, music, and ukay ukay. hehehe She likes chocolates, and in some occassion she could eat a whole huge bar by herself. She likes green piatos, red chippy, nova, selecta ice creams, polvoron, breadsticks, coke, chedeng peanuts, eat all you cans, lechon, chocolates, brownies, pizza, kuilan's siopao, spaghetti, bigbang, toblerone, hershey bars, cadbury chocolates, chicken curry, lemonsito juice, saging, when she eats burgers she make it all flat before she eats it. she doesnt like carbonara, streetfoods, and sushi.

she likes alternative music, jason mraz, coldplay, collective soul,creed, big mountain, april boy regino and sings M2M from time to time. She loves her mp4 and wears it around her neck all the time. she likes wearing jeans, and has one specific favorite, when she has to go for a toilet break, she really has to go because it happens only once in a while. hehe

She took zoology for two years, tried for BYU and passed, and decided to become a nurse. She is an honor student, and her classmates would follow her lead at all times. She has the cutest handwriting, and the best cursive signature. heheh

Sometimes she has no clue with what she wants or with what she thinks. Sometimes shed say shes the prettiest person in the whole world, and sometimes shed say shes not. She thinks that she is gaining weight, when in fact id drool just looking at her. heheheh She would be the kindest person for a second, and would be the most cruel in a while. She would laugh so hard if youd try to make her laugh, while sometimes youd feel youre the corniest peron in the whole world when youd throw a good joke and she would just stare. She would make you feel the most comfortable person , and she could bring the most awkward situation to make your life the most miserable.

She would want you to call her every now and then, while she would say to call her tomorow instead. She would be the happiest person for a time, and then she would suddenly cry.

what she doesnt know is that she looks at herself amiss. She says she is never good at english, but she writes very good articles, and heartwarming poems. She says she is not smart, but could explain the reproductive system in its entirety in specific details. She says she hasnt grown spiritually, but i get shivers when she prays. She says she is a bad person, but all i can see in her is love. She loves her family, her cousins, her friends, and would give up a huge part of her just to make sure that the people she love are in a far better position. She doesnt think she deserve the good, when in fact she deserves the best.

She has no idea i am writing this , but she will be in a while. I could still write more, but i still have to call her. If id write down all the things i know about her, it would take two days and a half to put everything together. heheh She would kill me for this but I wanted to show her what shes worth. I have given my best shot at doing that, but i know that i could never give her the exact, because she has more worth than any best thing in this world.

Yet i still think i still know so little about her. I have known her for over two or three months now, but she has affected me so much than anyone has ever had for the last twenty-three years of my life. I am still confused if i reckon all the things if have ever done such a good thing to deserve a very grand reward. Perhaps God has loved me this much.

She has shown me what it was to wait that long for someone, worked so hard for it, prayed hard , and finally get it. Not only has she affected my life, she has become the center of it. I love her.

15th april 2008

its been four months since i got home. Although they are not really considered significant, a number of changes has happened since then. I finally quit my job. I never got promoted, and i think i will never be. For a while I was really planning to consider other jobs but summer got in the way . Meanwhile, law school offers solace to those bleak opportunities.

Jacob is growing quick, and im getting older. Im still tired, and i havent lived up to some things that i should have had. Come what may.

After 23 years of waiting, i think i might have finally found it. hehehe

13march2008

its the third month since i got home. I think im totally losing it. Im a wasted RM, im a useless one. I havent lived any single principle that i used to teach. It frustrates me and depresses me to a hard extent.
Im losing all of my plans, and i think i never even started one. Im so tired and i just want to quit sometimes. It feels like i just wore my old shirts when i got home, and falling to the same pits that has trapped me before i thought i had the place all over. Now i am all over the place.
I had a chat with cel, hes different now. Hes as almost too busy even to talk to me. Maybe because i have been left out with everything new, and since im not in their depth as law students, that made me probably someone less interesting. While all the time back in the days, it felt really different. Ssomehow i can understand. Its like im caught between where i used to fit in, and where i cant fit in. And both of them has abandoned me. I am aimless.
Dan crashed yesterday. He has this cool motorcycle, and now its a bit disarranged.
Im just totally tired. I need help. Im at the brink of hopelessness. or maybe i already fell.

6thmarch2008

finally, after a tiring hour of waiting i finally get to log in. Its an amazing abnormal day today. I hate work everyday, and the hating just intensifies. lol like i said, i dont hate the work per se, its the system.
Anyway, chinky texted me earlier today, and shell be hanging out in our house with jacob. And it made the whole afternoon perfect because i just had a good excuse to be absent.
my lower left back is aching again. I usually get this when i fast too much. Freak its not even working and im just dying for nothing. Im so tired, and if life was a computer game, i had had pressed the reset button. Too bad its not, and you have to face what its gonna throw at you.
What else happened today.Oh yeah, i feel like i still live in 2005.

03march2008

i talked to my mom about it. Theres no way im fit for the job. I just couldnt handle it. People are older than i am , and im having a hard time trying to fit in their shoes, since i am not married. I dont even have any kid of my own, and i have only the smallest clue on what world theyre living on. Until I am satisfied she agrees with me, i convinced myself to finally tell what i have say.And then i went to church, i sat in the priesthood class. And just by sitting there I received the answer. And the answer is no. I cant quit. I cant leave them, even it looks so surreal sometimes that i can even handle it. I just had that good feeling. And for the longest time, i have felt the spirit again.I had finally got the upgrade of the bike. Its the bike now- a difference from what i thought was my bike.Man, i think it was a waste of money. I think i just lifted it for like a half inch, and its not even noticable. Crap.Two good things happened today though. Although i have starved my breakfast and lunch away for that goldarn motor, when i got home boy bawang is in the house with his mom! The second good thing is his mom cooked carbonara. Someday i must marry someone who knows how to cook it!freak im tired.

I had a tiny dispute with my kauban a day ago. I was entertaining the thought that if i cant find a good lds woman to settle with, i might as well go for someone else. I could almost insinuate him as condemning me for saying that , and he said that i have lost my mind. TOld me that i dont know what real love is. And i just didnt say anything. I thought about it a lot when he said that. On one point he is correct, true love is eternal. You cant be with someone eternally if you cant have the ordinances. You cant do that if you settle with someone random. But is that rather self-serving? I know Im treading on askewed boundaries if i say this. But are they not also children of God? My parents are converts, and they have led me and my siblings to be who they are now. Do we just love because we get as much utility as we could? If she is not with me, then i will make her with me. And if she cant or wont be with me, then i guess shell suffer. And ill suffer with her. I think its not love when theres no suffering. Even if its eternal.

01March2008

Its finally march and i still have a lot of pending resolutions. i never even get to start some of them . And Im not surprised at all.
We went to davao today, my parents forced me to, and eventually found myself sitting in the car. After minutes of persuading my mom, they finally dropped me in Boystrek and planned to spend 4 hours of counterstrike there. The thing is, noone plays that game anymore, and if some did, theyre way too good for me who hasnt had practice in years. Then i rememberd riyadh, i asked him to come and sat just by the street talking about things.
Its always nice to talk to someone from the mission. Its either because theyre the only ones who can understand you, or its when you see them you get abreactions and memories flashing. Its almost kind of refreshing in a very different way.
Two days ago , i had the hardest time working. After getting her from the hospital, I noticed that my rear tire is writhing sideways. I stopped, checked it, and freak its all flat up to the rim! Freak and i have to get to the office in 60 seconds. I told her to get a ride, and walked the bike for like a kilometer till i saw a shop. After having it fixed, and since i was late, i decided to go home teaching , and then i got another flat on my way. Freak. This time i had to waste a solid 200 for a tire replacement. And then i got home. I remember i said something about my bike, im taking it back. lmao
im very tired.

27feb2008

After feeling a lot better , i finally get to work. Riding a bike is really a pain in the butt both literally and the other sense. I never really liked motorcycles, but its more practical to use it now since the car is broken. Freaking steering wheel leak! Just when Im using it , its giving its most lousy performance for the record.
We get to take a lot of pictures today and it was fun. Whats better is that i get to see boy bawang today in our house. That kid is so cute, and would grow cuter as months pass. After taking her to the bus station, i just died in the couch watching dizzily over american idol singers. Man their batch this year sucks. Theres no kick to it, and it makes me wonder if theyd finally dried the poor pool out.
Im so tired.

26feb2008

I had a lousy day today. I knew it from the moment I woke up. I just didn’t feel like working, and then without much effort my mind thought of a billion excuses to come up with, until everything was shrugged off by my mom's tantrums this morning .heheh So I decided to work, and didn’t get back after lunch. I feel like I was run over by a pison, or whatever it’s called. Crap, they’re going to fire me. Speaking of which, I think I won’t have to worry on that. It seems that the city hall is running out of funds and cutting their costs. They decided to resort to this scheme, which is confusing, but would probably work for the JOs. They’re going to have intermittent mass lay-offs and ill be on the list at mid-March. Man, talk about a break I definitely need. I don’t have anything against work. I love working, but i just don’t fit in there. Anyway, they’ll lose another writer, and it won’t really matter on their part, I am just a JO.

I was half alive when I decided to stall this afternoon and rode at the back of a tryke. I feel like puking and complaining, and the whining continues, until I saw an old man riding his bike in the middle of the national highway. He can get himself killed by doing that! Wearing a black shirt, brown pants, old slippers, and a red hat, he drove his bike 12 noon with a huge grin on his face. He seems very happy and content. I wonder what goes around his brain, or what was he thinking. Even with all the dust and rocks floating around the road- probably getting into his mouth and eyes, he looks very happy and doesn’t seem to be complaining. And at that moment, I envied him. How can he afford to be jolly despite the fact that he’s just riding a bike, haven’t had lunch yet, and could die any moment a bus hits him.

I remember my mission. It was the only time of my life that I was happy, not that I am happy, but because I see other people being blessed and happy because of something I have given them. Then I have learned that real happiness does not necessarily come from getting something, but it is sometimes more of giving something. Its not when you think about yourself, but it’s when you think of other people before yourself. I used to remember, it would take me a full hour to pray on my bed and I would pray for my investigators one by one by their names . So the longer I stay in an area, the longer my prayers take.

I think that was the only moment in my life that I shared that bike with that old guy I saw today.

25Feb2008

I just got home, i drove again. Lmao I feel a lot better from yesterdays attack. We didnt have worked today , and it means a long sought ticket to the couch, doing nothing but watching movies. I bought this DVD a few days ago. The coolest thing about DVDs is that you can have the whole episodes of a series in one disc. HA! I never thought that would be possible. And so i freaking bought a band of brothers DVD. Freak it was so awesome, i get to watch it minus the one week waiting that i used to do back in college when it was initially shown in HBO. It was so cool. Im beginning to be a second world warfreak again. Mike bought Call of Duty 2 and its effing awesome. Games today are getting more realistic, and that game is not even recent considering i have been away for two years. Freak its so cool. I also got company of brothers, the one Munson told me about. Freak i forgot to mention that in my mail. I havent played it yet, but ill get my hands on it soon. lmaoIts amazing how things change so rapidly even in a short time as two years. I still am trying to get the hang of s few things. It is like I learn something new everyday. Im becoming worldy on the other hand which is probably the repercussion of adjusting. lol Anyway, things have become fairly different on my part. I think I have learned to realize that i need to be practically realistic, and dismiss things that dont necessarily apply to every day normal lives. hehehe I get to read the scriptures three days straight now. Improvement!

Jacob Adrian

aka "Boy Bawang", the kid who saved two worlds.

24Feb2008

I didnt go to church today. I had a bad case of headache. Everytime I swing my head, its like a hammer meets it on the other way. Thats prolly the result of too much driving and missing breakfast. I drove davao twice and back yesterday. Although it had a good part of me, it was well worth it. I get to see "boy bawang", and its amazing how a little kid can make your bosom burn. It feels so good to see Chinky is finally a mom. I have prayed about her my whole mission that she would get a child. I can only see it as an answered one.
I should be sleeping in a while for work, too bad there wont be any for tomorow. Lmao
I guess we have this mass we must attend to, and my sickness is a perfect timing for a good excuse. Anyway, I cant wait for law school to start. that way i can get my mind off a lot of things, and hopefully start to learn something again. For the last two years, i havent had the chance to learn something new. Well i did, but its not just the same thing.
stop.