29 July 2011

Albert,

3 months have passed that distance literally separates us from seeing each other. I miss you so bad. And I was hurt yesterday when you said that you almost forgot me. You already forgot the scent of my perfume. I don't want you to forget even the scent of my hair. You even slept last night without saying "i love you". I cried at the thought of that and even until now I'm crying remembering yesterday. I am bothered and I don't want this to happen.

I'm glad being with this Masters' program. I know this is a blessing. This is for us. Please don't give up. I'm just away for just a year. After this, we will be happy being together again and you will see me anytime you want. We even have plans of getting married next year, right? Just hold on. I know that this is hard for you and you're having difficulties in adapting our situation.

I'm sorry if at times, I misinterpret you or if I talk amiss judging you and say offensive words. I did not mean that. I'm just upset with your responses and you even sound judgmental at times which I don't like. I'm sorry.

I'm missing and wanting you so bad right now. I wish you are with me travelling through this MRT and LRT, travelling through buses and jeepneys exhausted from the traffic, figuring out which way to go, buying these new things, being with these new places, going to different malls,etc. How I wish you are here. How I pray that someday we can do this together in this big and new city for us. I miss laughing with you. I miss having dinner with you, walking with you, leaning in your arms, holding your arms and hands, listening to your jokes while looking at your face mimicking. I miss your arms around me. I miss you breathing so close to me. I miss those hands that caress me. I miss everything in you. I miss you.

Being with you in Baguio was an awesome experience. It was a nice place and my experiences there was beautiful because of you. I just thought that being with you in that place was impossible but you made it real. You made my dream come true. And I was so surprised that you still remember my literal dream that the man I will marry is the one riding with me in a blue bus in long long hours of journey. It was indeed you that my dream when I was a teenager is trying to portray - the man of my dreams. Hehehe. I'm not thinking about it anymore but you refreshed that memory. Hehehe. SO funny yet so surprising. We really rode a blue bus to Baguio and to Manila - Genesis and Partas - and we traveled for a total of 16hours back and forth. Am I right? I know it's you. Hehehe.

Honestly, I prayed to Heavenly Father before committing to this relationship. I'm glad that you are a man who remains steadfast against all these circumstances and trials. I'm so much blessed that you are my answered prayer. And when you broke up with me months ago, I prayed to Heavenly Father again and I'm still glad and blessed that you are still my answered prayer. I know it's you. You are a great great blessing to me. I still don't know what I've done so good and so best that God has given me this great great blessing. God has given me you.

Thank you for being so strong and standing with conviction to stay and love me no matter what. You see good things in me that others cannot. You treat me like a treasured pearl that no one can afford to loose. You accept everything in me and assure to me all the time that I am special. You love me and you live your life in the bounds of my love also.

I love you and you are special to me. I hope you know that. You are my life and my answered prayer. Like a pearl or diamond, I cannot afford to loose you too. And I want you to know that I'm committed to stay with you no matter what. I will stand firm for this relationship and for you for the rest of our eternity. I am determined to do everything just to be your partner even in life after death. I cannot see my life living without you but I simply see my life living with you until I grow old and die and even in my next life.

I love you very much.

Natdem

June 26, 2011

Im writing you this letter Natdem because I could not express this by voice or by text, and because right now you are sleeping soundly away from me and im nursing a very bad ear-headache. Last week after five years i was finally able to walk again the very same roads i used to walk in my mission. I went to Baguio and to Rosario and passed by my old mission memories. The only difference this time is I am not a missionary and I was with you. Before my flight to Manila my thoughts were anxious with how i would feel when i get there. Would i be as excited and happy as i would be in my dreams and longing to go back there? Would i be able neglect you that you are around when ill be there with Bryan? Will i be happier to see my mission again than seeing you?

Im glad that even before i even stepped on a bus to go to baguio that these questions were answered. When I got off the plane and i could not get a signal, i was so worried that you will get lost. I was so worried where you might have been and i could not imagine you being lost in a big city where i could not even have a single clue myself where i am. When finally i saw you, my heart was broken to see you so pale, losing weight,, with chaffed lips. I was so worried and glad to see you that i could not even be happy seeing bryan. all i wanted to do that time was to hug you and cry my eyes because i finally understood that the reason why I was there was nothing but to see you. When we left you at your boarding house, and we took the ride to bryan;s home all i can ever think of is you. how i loved you, how i missed you, how i felt like it was way back before that i would cry when you leave me at ecoland terminal to go to digos. even when i was about to sleep i still think about you. I woke up so early and travel alone just to see you the following day. Being with you alone is the best feeling in the world, and it doesnt matter where we are in it.

When we travelled to baguio, and you were beside me, i have finally realized something. Something that i should have overcome a long time ago. That my mission was real and it was long over. I used to have this feeling that my mission was like a dream , that baguio or manila, or the areas and the people were just dreams and arent true. Because it felt that way, i was made to believe that going back to those places is impossible. But then because of you, you made it real. And now i can finally connect the dots, and understand that there is nothing waiting for me in baguio, and that there is no place for me there anymore and that i have to stop dreaming about it. Its the same place, and its the very same spots, but because you are with me, finally the dream isnt that exciting anymore. Its like the same feeling i get when i go to bankerohan. It meant nothing to me anymore. What means everything to me is the smile that is on your face and seeing you beside me.

Natdem, i missed your mouth i missed your hands, the scent of your hair, the shape of your lips, the feel of your skin, the sound of your voice. During those times, all that mattered was you. Not my areas, not my mission, not everything there. I finally understood that in order to be happy, its not the place that matters, but the person you are with that time. I was happy because you were there. I am happy because i am with you. Im a very lucky guy because i have you. Take you away, and i have a miserably life to live.

When the day came when you took me to the airport, i controlled myself all of my strength to keep my emotions. But seeing you, and knowing that you are so far away from me gets the best of me. I love you Natdem, I loved you, i will love you, and i always will be loving you. I cannot wait till you graduate from your masters .

I have so many feelings i want to express now, but i cant put them into words. Now that I have overcome a part of my life, another dream remains. The dream of you. the dream that someday i will always see you everyday of my life. The dream to have my kids with you. the dream to build us a home, the dream to see and enter the temple together, the dream to take care of you always, the dream to love you eternally, the dream to grow old together, the dream to marry you. Thank you Natdem for making my life beautiful, and for making me realize that dreams sometimes come true, because once upon a time more than 3 years ago, you were only just my dream as well.

i love you sweetiepie, thank you so much,

albert.

09 May 2011

Dear Albert,

Happy Anniversary.

We've been through a lot of trials. Our love was tested. I thought I'm gonna loose you. I'm so much happy cause you are still with me. I'm happy cause you are still loving me up to this point. Three years is quite so long. I cant believe that love at first sight is true cause that's what I feel when the first time I saw you three years ago. I'm glad that I'm still pondering on that feelings and it keeps on growing until now. You are my answered prayer. I'll be a million times thankful for having you in my life. I can only live once. And I'd like to spend my whole lifetime with you. And even if I can live a million times, I will still spend my whole chances of living with you.

I know it's you.

Happy anniversary. I love you.

Love,

Natdem

May 4 2011

Dear Natdem,

I write this letter because I could not sleep, and my thoughts keep following you. As I write this letter I see your beautiful face. The one that has been with me all through these years. I write again to thank you for holding on to the times that i couldnt. I am so grateful that you stood by me despite of the difficulty of dealing my shortcomings.

Although it sound pretty odd to say this , but I am grateful for the pain and problems we had to encounter. Ironically, breaking up with you was the best thing that ever happened to us. Not because I got tired of us, but because it only proved the things that I have always doubted to be untrue.

I love you natdem. I always have and i guess i have no choice but to love you, because I know no other way than this.

Albert

03April2011

Dear Albert,

If it comes in your mind to visit this site and happened to read this, this is the day you said you don't want me anymore and you don't anymore have a single feeling of love left for me. And this is the day i felt that it is true. I want you to know that today,my life ended. Today,i stop hoping,loving,and i wanna stop living.

You are the only person that I got and proud to call mine. Now that you're gone,I feel so empty and I only got nothing but a life miserable to live. I don't want to let go but I have to coz you want me to. You showed me how it was to love and be loved in return. I saw how you remain faithful and steadfast against all the trials this life can offer. As I hear you say,you don't want me anymore,my heart is crushed,cut a million times and I don't know how to mend these broken pieces for you are the only one who can make this as what you always do.

You've changed a lot. Where's now your faith and hope that I always used to see and feel. You're faith, hope, and love are where I'm finding strength. How can I stand up now when I only got nothing but my weak and poor self to rely on.

I love you so much, Albert and I don't think I can still love again if it's not you. My love for you will always resounds even down to my grave. My love for you is true and eternal and forever echoes in this abyss. I want to say I'm sorry for all the things that caused you pain. I'm sorry for your broken dreams and sacrifices. I'm sorry for falling out of love with me. I'm sorry for all the ugly words I've said. Well,I guess,when a person is mad or angry,he/she says ugly words he/she did'nt mean. I didn't mean everything I've said that hurt you. I'm sorry for evrything.

I want you to know also that nothing compares to the happines I have by just looking at you closely. I can't explain the completenes I have when I hold your hand. You don't know how it feels to finally find a resting place when you hug me. Oh how lovely the words "i love you" when it is uttered by you. By just sitting beside you, I felt so secured.

If only I could face Heavenly Father, I'd kneel at His feet and asked you in His hands and I'd be willing to bear all the consequences whatever it takes just to have you through eternity. Albert, I just don't know how to face the next one minute of my life, without you in it. You are my strength and you are my life. How can I be strong and accept all these pains when you are my only strength and courage to move on? How can I be happy without you when you are the happiness that fills my world? How can I live without you when you are my life?

I just don't know what to do but pray harder to conquer all these burdens and pains. I have nothing but my hopeless state, trying to hope for nothing ahead. I just hope everything will be alright and everything will just come to pass. (Oh God, please give me strength. Help me all through these.)

I keep praying and hoping that you are still my answered prayer.

I love you.

Natdem

27March2011 830pm

I wanna die. I literally mean it. I got nothing, I don't have any. I wanna end all of this. I wish I have the guts of killing myself. Im worthles, Im pointles. I got nothing to do and nowhere to go. I just wanna die. I want my heart to stop pumping so I could not feel this pain anymore. I wish I could buy a pain reliever for this. I wanna die. And Im going crazy now. I wish my hour has come.

27 March 2011 10am. It's over.

It's over. You finally decide. I'm sorry for everything. I just loved you so much. So much that u can hardly breathe. I'm sorry,Albert. I'm sorry for everythng. But I don't have risons 2 stay. You don't want me anymore. It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm not helping you. I can't even ease your pain like what the other woman does. I'm sorry,Albert. I'm so sorry. I can't be her. I'm sorry. Good bye. Please remember me,the first time we met. This is so painful. I love you so much. I'm sorry. Good bye. Today,my heart stops beating and I don't wanna breathe the air. Living now is so pointless. I wanna die. And if I do, I'd die loving you.

Love,
Natdem

March 27, 2011 3am

8s 3am. I still cant sleep. I wish i could go back to the day we 1st met. I miss you so much,albert. Iloveyou

Albert,

Where have all those words gone? I red your older posts. It's been a year since the last time I wrote something here. I miss writing. For one year, a lot of things happened. Even the words written on this blog are not anymore the exact words that can best describe the feeling we have right now for each other. I always cry at the thought that I'm not having you now. And die at the thought that you already have someone you want. I stop breathing at the conclude that you can totally let go of me and be happy with someone else. I wanna stop living everytime you're pushing me away coz you don't want me anymore while you have all the time txting and spending even just a little time for others.

I know you're medically ill right now. I keep trying to understand you. The longer I'm here, the more it hurts. I really don't know what to do. You're pushing me away. You don't want me anymore. And you keep telling me things as if I'm the cause of that illness. I'm feeling like I'm being stabbed a million times. I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out. I put pressures on you like emotional pressures. I'm sorry for influencing you to become wicked (as what you're trying to point out some time). I'm sorry for being so attached to you that I wanna stop living at this very moment.

I love you so much and you know that. I just don't know what happened. It's all my fault. You said these are all my fault. It was never my intention to hurt you or influence you to go on a wrong way. But you're not happy with me anymore. That's what you are trying to advert. I'm so sorry. I really want you to be happy. I really am.

I do not know how to face tomorrow without you in it. I do not know how to be happy when you are the only reason why I keep a smile on my face. I do not know how to start or plan a good life when you are my life. I do not know how to move on when all these times, you are my strength. I do not know if i can still see the absolute side of life when you are the definite reason of my life. I do not know what to do.

I really cherish the 3 years we've spent together. That was the happiest of me and to tell you, I was at my best that moment coz you are with me. I'm so grateful that I had you. Until now, even if you are not mine anymore, I still don't know how to repay Heavenly Father for giving you to me.

I keep holding on. But you're letting me go. You're letting me go. So much for this pain. This is so much. I'm giving up. This is so painful for me and this is not an easy decision. Maybe you're friends are right. Maybe we'll just end this relationship if this can help you a lot. I wanna bang my head. Am i writing this right? I can't sleep.

I love you so much that until this very moment I can't help myself but cry for this relationship, for you. It's 1am. You called at 12am. I purposely did not answer it. I wanna move on. This is so hard for me. Am I punishing myself? But It's still hard to be together and can't understand each other. I still wanna hold on and save everything that has to be saved. But I can't. I can't when I'm alone. I need cooperation. I need you. If you still want this relationship, just let me know. We'll fix these things up when you're ready. I love you so much. And I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow. I can't imagine how my life would be without you in it. Will it still be a LIFE?

Tonight, I stop living. I don't I don't want to live tomorrow. For only with you, I am alive.

I love you.

Natdem