Albert,

Where have all those words gone? I red your older posts. It's been a year since the last time I wrote something here. I miss writing. For one year, a lot of things happened. Even the words written on this blog are not anymore the exact words that can best describe the feeling we have right now for each other. I always cry at the thought that I'm not having you now. And die at the thought that you already have someone you want. I stop breathing at the conclude that you can totally let go of me and be happy with someone else. I wanna stop living everytime you're pushing me away coz you don't want me anymore while you have all the time txting and spending even just a little time for others.

I know you're medically ill right now. I keep trying to understand you. The longer I'm here, the more it hurts. I really don't know what to do. You're pushing me away. You don't want me anymore. And you keep telling me things as if I'm the cause of that illness. I'm feeling like I'm being stabbed a million times. I'm sorry if I'm stressing you out. I put pressures on you like emotional pressures. I'm sorry for influencing you to become wicked (as what you're trying to point out some time). I'm sorry for being so attached to you that I wanna stop living at this very moment.

I love you so much and you know that. I just don't know what happened. It's all my fault. You said these are all my fault. It was never my intention to hurt you or influence you to go on a wrong way. But you're not happy with me anymore. That's what you are trying to advert. I'm so sorry. I really want you to be happy. I really am.

I do not know how to face tomorrow without you in it. I do not know how to be happy when you are the only reason why I keep a smile on my face. I do not know how to start or plan a good life when you are my life. I do not know how to move on when all these times, you are my strength. I do not know if i can still see the absolute side of life when you are the definite reason of my life. I do not know what to do.

I really cherish the 3 years we've spent together. That was the happiest of me and to tell you, I was at my best that moment coz you are with me. I'm so grateful that I had you. Until now, even if you are not mine anymore, I still don't know how to repay Heavenly Father for giving you to me.

I keep holding on. But you're letting me go. You're letting me go. So much for this pain. This is so much. I'm giving up. This is so painful for me and this is not an easy decision. Maybe you're friends are right. Maybe we'll just end this relationship if this can help you a lot. I wanna bang my head. Am i writing this right? I can't sleep.

I love you so much that until this very moment I can't help myself but cry for this relationship, for you. It's 1am. You called at 12am. I purposely did not answer it. I wanna move on. This is so hard for me. Am I punishing myself? But It's still hard to be together and can't understand each other. I still wanna hold on and save everything that has to be saved. But I can't. I can't when I'm alone. I need cooperation. I need you. If you still want this relationship, just let me know. We'll fix these things up when you're ready. I love you so much. And I don't want to wake up alone tomorrow. I can't imagine how my life would be without you in it. Will it still be a LIFE?

Tonight, I stop living. I don't I don't want to live tomorrow. For only with you, I am alive.

I love you.

Natdem