Dear natdem,

Im writing this down before i complete lose the feeling that i have, and i want you to know these things just as if it is happening right now , even if its not that same when you read them. Our emotions can never be trusted, they change from time to time , almost often than not, and it affects greatly how we would react, decide,and perceive things. But for all its worth, there is only one feeling that has never changed or would never change regardless of the many things that would happen to me or my life. And that is the feeling that i love you. I love you now, as i loved you before , and you can take shelter on the words that i assure you that even if i am gone ill still have the same affinity to you, or maybe that word is relatively unreliable to explain what i feel.

The past days have been so hard on me. And sometimes even if i try so hard, it gets parts of me if not the better ones. I am sorry. I am sorry for the many things that i have done you. For failing you so countless of times, and i have not been trustworthy on some important occassions. Im sorry for leaning on you when i am down, i couldnt help it sometimes. But you should know, that when the time comes that ill run to you for help, that is when i have gone a million miles to solve it by myself. I dont demand of you to be a listening ear, or someone to hear my weaknesses or problems. I dont want you to be hassled because i dont want you to be troubled. If there are times when i do this, i am sorry.

Im sorry if i destroyed your life ,your dreams and even your friends. I know its my fault. If i would have acted otherwise, then everything will still be the same, and you wouldnt have to lose anything but gain everything. I dont know how to fix it. I used to know the solution for everything before, but i dont know anymore. I thought you were happy with me, but its turning out that you are beginning to be miserable.

The past year already i have not been myself. The person you knew when you first met me, that was me. That was when i used to be strong, hopeful, and upright. The albert that you hate right now, is the person who has gone to so many trials, and problems, and adversities, that the only strength i can gather is from you. If i have a choice i would have had met you when all of this problems are through. Right now, I feel like a broken ship, waiting to be tossed by waves and winds until my planks and faculties drown to sea, and the only one whos fixing me enough to keep me bouyant is you.

I am not the perfect man for you. I am not even close to him.YOu deserve someone better. Someone who can share your dreams and your life and there would be no tangles. Someone who will father your children and have good healthy genes. someone who can provide for them and for your needs as well as you parents. I would love to be that person, but i am not him right now. All i can do right now is to work hard to reach that person so i can be him. I tried so hard, and even compromise things just to do 2 things at a time, but i cannot. I am not the perfect man for you, as much as you were never the dream girl that i longed for, nor that person that i have always imagined my partner to be. You turned out to be someone whos not even her, but i dont care, because its you that i want. I dont care if youre not perfect, or do things i have hated, i dont care ,i want you. I love you anyway.

I love you natdem, i would not know what i would do or what i will be if i dont have you today or tomorrow. I could lie and say that i could not live without you. I can live without you, but i dont want to live that life. I want you, noone else, and nothing more. Sometimes i dont write you anymore not because that i dont wanna write you, but im running out of things to tell you, and ways to tell you how much i love you. I love you, that even i have to spend the last energy that i have to live, i will not hesitate to spend that one for you.

im sorry,

albert

august 28 , 2009

I made this one for you. Its almost the same feeling i get every second youre not with me. Almost exactly the same feeling but just a million times short. I love you.

time has all acquiescently stole thee
its sad waves come surging into my shore
so swift, dragging what remained left for me
leaving a sorrowful tide that i bore

the days are overcome by its billows
fast, the brine of emptiness fills my hour
so painful that my adamant heart knows
it finally divided asunder

oh how i vainly wish time would have stop
and its weltering seas could have calm down
so still, that my hands could hold just a drop
so slow, my eyes could cover you around

so long, that time means nothing save a word
so much, that time is nothing in this world

dear violet,

Im gonna use that name so i can remember how it felt again when i first came to know you. I can vividly remember the first day I met you. Right after i enrolled for law school, i came driving down to the mall to meet y ou. My heart pounding so hard that i wasnt able to think straight or know exactly how should i act. Then I saw you, wearing a green shirt, with earphones hanging in front of the shirt, black striped pants, white slippers, and the heaviest spotted sling bag. I smiled at you, and you looked back at me, and i knew that you have recognized me. You were buying a bottle of water and gulped one down before finally sitting. And then almost instinctively, I grabbed your hand and I knew then that it was you.

I want you to know this before we end up fighting again, and somehow lose track of the real reason why we have each other. I want you to know that you are my best decision in this life. I want you to know that even before you said yes to me, that first day was my resolve. I want you to know that i have resolved from that day until now, that i will only make you happy. Seeing you happy makes me happy. And theres no feeling in this world that i would wanna be repeated endlessly, than the feeling i feel everytime you are beside me.

I love you maam, and even though at times that i am so hard to deal with, and I could drain your patience, I know the reason why you still hold on because you know that all the things i said are true beyond words. And you have seen them, and continue seeing them up to now.

It has come to me, that since the day i have seen you from a pic, i have literally think about you on every single day. I have made so many mistakes, and sometimes i feel that theres no end to all of this. The only thing that keeps me in one piece is the thought that at the end of the day i would hear your voice, and at the end of the month i get to see you once. And at the end of the cold year , the warmth that your love has given me. And the thought i have every night , that one day in this life, I will be able to hold for eternity the very same hand i held the day i met you.

I love you,
albert

29 may 2009

Hello maam,

I just called you a few minutes ago just to check how you are doing. When you said hello on the other line, with a hoarse voice and a dry throat, I feel so ashamed for myself that i cant be with you now when you are sick. Its as if I could not bear it to see you that way.

I miss you so much. Even if we havent talked in just a matter of hours, and havent seen each other in a week, I feel so incomplete. I love you so much , that right now I could honestly say that I have ran out of words to tell that to you. Because for the past year that we were together, there was not a day that I havent tell you that, or have showed you that, or at the least attempted to make you feel that i do.

Im sorry for all the things that I made you do and for the things that you had to give up just for me. I want you to be happy. Seeing you happy, makes me happy. Its weird I know, and I dont know how long it will take you to understand that.

I want you to know that I have been the same since from the start. Phones or without phones, during comfortable times or during the most unpleasant one, on a bright warm day or during a storm or flood or mud. I will be always here for you. And I will make sure until the day we both die, that the only warmth you will ever feel on your left palm, is coming from my right.

I love you natdem.

24 April 2009

Month of May is fast approaching. I can still remember last year during this time, it was a day marking a unique change of my life. i was bewildered by emotions that time. but look at me now, im happy having him. im happy coz i chose to be with him. and i will never be this happy and complete anymore. he's the only entity that can complete me thus, making me happy all the time.

these past few days, we are in abyss which we do not know to strive everything up or to let it down and drowned. im happy coz we strove everything up and make up everything and let it fall into its own places. im happy coz im beginning to see the eternal bliss of having this kinship. i just prayed that this would never end.

im happy coz im beginning to see the beauty of my life with him. with him, there's not anymore a day that i felt i am neglected or left alone. with him, i feel that the whole world is mine. i can even just stay in my room for the whole day or for the whole week just conversing with him. i am happy with that. and i love him more and more each day. i can see new different things in him everyday that enables me to love him more and value him more. he gives me reason to fall in love with him everyday.

it's been a year what i'm feeling right now - the complete happiness that no one could ever repay. all the pains and tears are worth enduring for when i know that at the end of this line, i still have him. and if i die and live again, i will still choose to love and be with him. i'm so blessed that for once in my life i met the one who is worth my 1 million lives.

i love you albert.


Natdem

23 April 2009 2AM

Time is running so fast, indeed.. i did not noticed that the relationship I'm having now is already a year. yet, it did not turned out into a successful one. Scraps, disputes, disappointments, disagreements are all over. i guess, i'm already tired of this helter-skelter situation. i love him. but i don't know what to do to please him. i know i'm not a type of girl who deserves someone like him - so ideal.

i dreamed of having someone like him. i thought it would be easier for me if i have his type. i was wrong. it was never that easy. there's always misunderstandings due to some different point of views and personal characteristics. so tiring sometimes. and it made me think that i should end all these ails by saying goodbye to everything. this hurts me so bad. i could not think of anything. we always give a try to fix everything up, make up for something missing, and make each other happy again. but the more retentive we are, the more painful it is. i know everything is my fault. i have a despicable past which really require a big big heart to accept it. and i know that it is not that well-situated to accept everything just like that. i know also that i should have a tenacious patience for his kind of character. i know also that he needs me every now and then to understand him and love him more.

i just don't know what happened. it seems that i have the full phase of the moon and makes me wanna say "stop, coz i can't bear anymore". i did everything just for him. i sacrificed a lot and i know he sacrificed more. i broke some promises which until now seems so painful for him. i guess he never moved on and accepted my dark, deplorable mistakes. and it hurts me so much when i already tried everything i can just to cover up every mistakes i've made and convert it into good deeds. but i was never appreciated.

i know he felt the same way too. for him, he was never valued. the truth is, i value him with a great deal. i'm afraid to lose him just because of my hasten decision. i'm afraid i made a wrong decision. i feel that he's not happy anymore. i feel his compassion over my defective attitude and personality. of course, i always aim to make him happy - as happy and blessed as i am coz i have him. and i always have a deep feeling of regret everytime i saw him down and in pain and i cannot even alleviate what he's going through. i cannot even understand him. i cannot relieve his insecurities. for how can i when he's claiming that i'm the reason for it. he cannot even see how much i love him and how faithful and true am i to him. so frustrating. i did everything but he can see nothing. i know he did everything too.

but i do not know anymore where and when this kinship would end. i'm praying for its eternity. i don't know if it would be granted. i just hope it would.

and now, i don't know what to write next or what to do next. i want him back but i'm afraid it would cause only so much stress and pain for him. i don't want him to get hurt. but what am i doing now?? i cannot make him happy. deep remorse is in me....


Natdem

Time is really fast. I remember this day perfectly as if it was yesterday. I remember that i was awaken by a call during this time exactly 3 am, hearing a laughing almost sneering voice on the other line , and some female voices. During that moment, i knew a promised was broken, but i maintained a calm response asking where she might be. And then I woke up early that morning, and went to see her in one of the malls. Then i saw her with her other friend, and my fears were confirmed that day. I was heartbroken, but its tough to show that to people when youre in a hot seat. hehe Following that night I remember I had the most embarassing scene of my life. I thought about a million things that night, and I have kneeled so many times that i did not realize the sun was already up. And even though how many times i ask, i would always end up with the same answer.

I thought i was going to spend my whole year feeling like that. Feeling unsure and confused. Feeling that i have lost all over again. I thought i was going to get used to disappointment, and i did not know how far my patience can extend. I have resolved that if i was going to be with her , I can never turn back and finish just what i have started until theres no more hint of reason to continue. I was scared, disappointed, and felt betrayed.

One year has passed since then. And everything has changed. The fears that i had before were replaced by love. The disappointment was overcame with surprises and , i have never felt more secured. Just as when i was about to accept her as who she was, I have realized then as she has shown me that she was never that kind of person.

If onle shes here now, i would want to tell her, that i am so grateful for the love she has given me. The truth is, I have already resolved to accept her including the possibility that we will never last. I have always accepted that even from the start. Because i had told myself, that id rather be hurt for 6 months, than to have never been happy my whole entire life. I am happy when im with her. She doesnt even have to do anything. Just looking a her is enough and i have remained that way until now.

Looking back, the pains that i had to suffer were nothing compared to the happiness i get in return today. I may have been hurt, and i will not forget that. Instead i remember those times as one of the reasons why I loved her this way. Because of that i have tested myself with how far can i go with her, or how much can i give or love her. Those event are like the hard ugly stones that are mixed with cement to form a bridge. Even if they look unappealing, they are the ones which make the bridge strong and adamant.

I love her, even up to this time. I love her more today but the truth is, she probably loves me more , and with that i am more than thankful.

09April09

12:21AM


The night seems so late yet I'm still here, staring at the door so awake, thinking and planning of something. I thought of the days passed. I marveled just by thinking what had happened to me this past 11 months. It has been so great. I feel complete. There's nothing I could ask for. And these are all because of one beautiful person. His name is Albert (the owner of this blog). Sounds common but it's not. It's the most exquisite name written upon the face of my earth. And the person who owns this name is my life, the love of my life, my everything. Though in the middle of dreariness, he seems to be the blaze that guides. He never left me yet he loves me more when I'm unlovable. He always makes me happy. I've never been this happy and blessed before. And I'm having this happiness for 11months now.

Albert, since you came into my life, I found the reason to be happy and be blessed. I found my resting place in your heart where no one can ever take me away. In your arms is the place where I feel so protected that no one can harm me. And this gives me hope to dream more and aspire more for in your caress I rely my strength. your love is my life.

If there are times that I hurt you, I would like to say I'm sorry. You know that I love you and I love you more and more each day. I'm sorry for every pain I've caused. We've gone through a lot. our relationship for 11 months is like having a relationship for 11 years. I'm so grateful that all this time, you are always with me. I'm so blessed that the man of every woman's dream is here with me, loving me, and empathizing every pain I'm going through. I'm thankful that you are with me and you are this someone whom I can claim "my own".

I'm writing you this letter to express you gratitude for making my life so beautiful. Thank you for making my world shines so bright. Thank you for completing my life. And you give everything I could ask for in just 11 months. I could not ask for more. I love you very much my darling sweetiepie. Happy 11 monthsary.


Love,
Natdem