Time is running so fast, indeed.. i did not noticed that the relationship I'm having now is already a year. yet, it did not turned out into a successful one. Scraps, disputes, disappointments, disagreements are all over. i guess, i'm already tired of this helter-skelter situation. i love him. but i don't know what to do to please him. i know i'm not a type of girl who deserves someone like him - so ideal.
i dreamed of having someone like him. i thought it would be easier for me if i have his type. i was wrong. it was never that easy. there's always misunderstandings due to some different point of views and personal characteristics. so tiring sometimes. and it made me think that i should end all these ails by saying goodbye to everything. this hurts me so bad. i could not think of anything. we always give a try to fix everything up, make up for something missing, and make each other happy again. but the more retentive we are, the more painful it is. i know everything is my fault. i have a despicable past which really require a big big heart to accept it. and i know that it is not that well-situated to accept everything just like that. i know also that i should have a tenacious patience for his kind of character. i know also that he needs me every now and then to understand him and love him more.
i just don't know what happened. it seems that i have the full phase of the moon and makes me wanna say "stop, coz i can't bear anymore". i did everything just for him. i sacrificed a lot and i know he sacrificed more. i broke some promises which until now seems so painful for him. i guess he never moved on and accepted my dark, deplorable mistakes. and it hurts me so much when i already tried everything i can just to cover up every mistakes i've made and convert it into good deeds. but i was never appreciated.
i know he felt the same way too. for him, he was never valued. the truth is, i value him with a great deal. i'm afraid to lose him just because of my hasten decision. i'm afraid i made a wrong decision. i feel that he's not happy anymore. i feel his compassion over my defective attitude and personality. of course, i always aim to make him happy - as happy and blessed as i am coz i have him. and i always have a deep feeling of regret everytime i saw him down and in pain and i cannot even alleviate what he's going through. i cannot even understand him. i cannot relieve his insecurities. for how can i when he's claiming that i'm the reason for it. he cannot even see how much i love him and how faithful and true am i to him. so frustrating. i did everything but he can see nothing. i know he did everything too.
but i do not know anymore where and when this kinship would end. i'm praying for its eternity. i don't know if it would be granted. i just hope it would.
and now, i don't know what to write next or what to do next. i want him back but i'm afraid it would cause only so much stress and pain for him. i don't want him to get hurt. but what am i doing now?? i cannot make him happy. deep remorse is in me....
Natdem
i dreamed of having someone like him. i thought it would be easier for me if i have his type. i was wrong. it was never that easy. there's always misunderstandings due to some different point of views and personal characteristics. so tiring sometimes. and it made me think that i should end all these ails by saying goodbye to everything. this hurts me so bad. i could not think of anything. we always give a try to fix everything up, make up for something missing, and make each other happy again. but the more retentive we are, the more painful it is. i know everything is my fault. i have a despicable past which really require a big big heart to accept it. and i know that it is not that well-situated to accept everything just like that. i know also that i should have a tenacious patience for his kind of character. i know also that he needs me every now and then to understand him and love him more.
i just don't know what happened. it seems that i have the full phase of the moon and makes me wanna say "stop, coz i can't bear anymore". i did everything just for him. i sacrificed a lot and i know he sacrificed more. i broke some promises which until now seems so painful for him. i guess he never moved on and accepted my dark, deplorable mistakes. and it hurts me so much when i already tried everything i can just to cover up every mistakes i've made and convert it into good deeds. but i was never appreciated.
i know he felt the same way too. for him, he was never valued. the truth is, i value him with a great deal. i'm afraid to lose him just because of my hasten decision. i'm afraid i made a wrong decision. i feel that he's not happy anymore. i feel his compassion over my defective attitude and personality. of course, i always aim to make him happy - as happy and blessed as i am coz i have him. and i always have a deep feeling of regret everytime i saw him down and in pain and i cannot even alleviate what he's going through. i cannot even understand him. i cannot relieve his insecurities. for how can i when he's claiming that i'm the reason for it. he cannot even see how much i love him and how faithful and true am i to him. so frustrating. i did everything but he can see nothing. i know he did everything too.
but i do not know anymore where and when this kinship would end. i'm praying for its eternity. i don't know if it would be granted. i just hope it would.
and now, i don't know what to write next or what to do next. i want him back but i'm afraid it would cause only so much stress and pain for him. i don't want him to get hurt. but what am i doing now?? i cannot make him happy. deep remorse is in me....
Natdem
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