24 April 2009

Month of May is fast approaching. I can still remember last year during this time, it was a day marking a unique change of my life. i was bewildered by emotions that time. but look at me now, im happy having him. im happy coz i chose to be with him. and i will never be this happy and complete anymore. he's the only entity that can complete me thus, making me happy all the time.

these past few days, we are in abyss which we do not know to strive everything up or to let it down and drowned. im happy coz we strove everything up and make up everything and let it fall into its own places. im happy coz im beginning to see the eternal bliss of having this kinship. i just prayed that this would never end.

im happy coz im beginning to see the beauty of my life with him. with him, there's not anymore a day that i felt i am neglected or left alone. with him, i feel that the whole world is mine. i can even just stay in my room for the whole day or for the whole week just conversing with him. i am happy with that. and i love him more and more each day. i can see new different things in him everyday that enables me to love him more and value him more. he gives me reason to fall in love with him everyday.

it's been a year what i'm feeling right now - the complete happiness that no one could ever repay. all the pains and tears are worth enduring for when i know that at the end of this line, i still have him. and if i die and live again, i will still choose to love and be with him. i'm so blessed that for once in my life i met the one who is worth my 1 million lives.

i love you albert.


Natdem

23 April 2009 2AM

Time is running so fast, indeed.. i did not noticed that the relationship I'm having now is already a year. yet, it did not turned out into a successful one. Scraps, disputes, disappointments, disagreements are all over. i guess, i'm already tired of this helter-skelter situation. i love him. but i don't know what to do to please him. i know i'm not a type of girl who deserves someone like him - so ideal.

i dreamed of having someone like him. i thought it would be easier for me if i have his type. i was wrong. it was never that easy. there's always misunderstandings due to some different point of views and personal characteristics. so tiring sometimes. and it made me think that i should end all these ails by saying goodbye to everything. this hurts me so bad. i could not think of anything. we always give a try to fix everything up, make up for something missing, and make each other happy again. but the more retentive we are, the more painful it is. i know everything is my fault. i have a despicable past which really require a big big heart to accept it. and i know that it is not that well-situated to accept everything just like that. i know also that i should have a tenacious patience for his kind of character. i know also that he needs me every now and then to understand him and love him more.

i just don't know what happened. it seems that i have the full phase of the moon and makes me wanna say "stop, coz i can't bear anymore". i did everything just for him. i sacrificed a lot and i know he sacrificed more. i broke some promises which until now seems so painful for him. i guess he never moved on and accepted my dark, deplorable mistakes. and it hurts me so much when i already tried everything i can just to cover up every mistakes i've made and convert it into good deeds. but i was never appreciated.

i know he felt the same way too. for him, he was never valued. the truth is, i value him with a great deal. i'm afraid to lose him just because of my hasten decision. i'm afraid i made a wrong decision. i feel that he's not happy anymore. i feel his compassion over my defective attitude and personality. of course, i always aim to make him happy - as happy and blessed as i am coz i have him. and i always have a deep feeling of regret everytime i saw him down and in pain and i cannot even alleviate what he's going through. i cannot even understand him. i cannot relieve his insecurities. for how can i when he's claiming that i'm the reason for it. he cannot even see how much i love him and how faithful and true am i to him. so frustrating. i did everything but he can see nothing. i know he did everything too.

but i do not know anymore where and when this kinship would end. i'm praying for its eternity. i don't know if it would be granted. i just hope it would.

and now, i don't know what to write next or what to do next. i want him back but i'm afraid it would cause only so much stress and pain for him. i don't want him to get hurt. but what am i doing now?? i cannot make him happy. deep remorse is in me....


Natdem

Time is really fast. I remember this day perfectly as if it was yesterday. I remember that i was awaken by a call during this time exactly 3 am, hearing a laughing almost sneering voice on the other line , and some female voices. During that moment, i knew a promised was broken, but i maintained a calm response asking where she might be. And then I woke up early that morning, and went to see her in one of the malls. Then i saw her with her other friend, and my fears were confirmed that day. I was heartbroken, but its tough to show that to people when youre in a hot seat. hehe Following that night I remember I had the most embarassing scene of my life. I thought about a million things that night, and I have kneeled so many times that i did not realize the sun was already up. And even though how many times i ask, i would always end up with the same answer.

I thought i was going to spend my whole year feeling like that. Feeling unsure and confused. Feeling that i have lost all over again. I thought i was going to get used to disappointment, and i did not know how far my patience can extend. I have resolved that if i was going to be with her , I can never turn back and finish just what i have started until theres no more hint of reason to continue. I was scared, disappointed, and felt betrayed.

One year has passed since then. And everything has changed. The fears that i had before were replaced by love. The disappointment was overcame with surprises and , i have never felt more secured. Just as when i was about to accept her as who she was, I have realized then as she has shown me that she was never that kind of person.

If onle shes here now, i would want to tell her, that i am so grateful for the love she has given me. The truth is, I have already resolved to accept her including the possibility that we will never last. I have always accepted that even from the start. Because i had told myself, that id rather be hurt for 6 months, than to have never been happy my whole entire life. I am happy when im with her. She doesnt even have to do anything. Just looking a her is enough and i have remained that way until now.

Looking back, the pains that i had to suffer were nothing compared to the happiness i get in return today. I may have been hurt, and i will not forget that. Instead i remember those times as one of the reasons why I loved her this way. Because of that i have tested myself with how far can i go with her, or how much can i give or love her. Those event are like the hard ugly stones that are mixed with cement to form a bridge. Even if they look unappealing, they are the ones which make the bridge strong and adamant.

I love her, even up to this time. I love her more today but the truth is, she probably loves me more , and with that i am more than thankful.

09April09

12:21AM


The night seems so late yet I'm still here, staring at the door so awake, thinking and planning of something. I thought of the days passed. I marveled just by thinking what had happened to me this past 11 months. It has been so great. I feel complete. There's nothing I could ask for. And these are all because of one beautiful person. His name is Albert (the owner of this blog). Sounds common but it's not. It's the most exquisite name written upon the face of my earth. And the person who owns this name is my life, the love of my life, my everything. Though in the middle of dreariness, he seems to be the blaze that guides. He never left me yet he loves me more when I'm unlovable. He always makes me happy. I've never been this happy and blessed before. And I'm having this happiness for 11months now.

Albert, since you came into my life, I found the reason to be happy and be blessed. I found my resting place in your heart where no one can ever take me away. In your arms is the place where I feel so protected that no one can harm me. And this gives me hope to dream more and aspire more for in your caress I rely my strength. your love is my life.

If there are times that I hurt you, I would like to say I'm sorry. You know that I love you and I love you more and more each day. I'm sorry for every pain I've caused. We've gone through a lot. our relationship for 11 months is like having a relationship for 11 years. I'm so grateful that all this time, you are always with me. I'm so blessed that the man of every woman's dream is here with me, loving me, and empathizing every pain I'm going through. I'm thankful that you are with me and you are this someone whom I can claim "my own".

I'm writing you this letter to express you gratitude for making my life so beautiful. Thank you for making my world shines so bright. Thank you for completing my life. And you give everything I could ask for in just 11 months. I could not ask for more. I love you very much my darling sweetiepie. Happy 11 monthsary.


Love,
Natdem