13march2008

its the third month since i got home. I think im totally losing it. Im a wasted RM, im a useless one. I havent lived any single principle that i used to teach. It frustrates me and depresses me to a hard extent.
Im losing all of my plans, and i think i never even started one. Im so tired and i just want to quit sometimes. It feels like i just wore my old shirts when i got home, and falling to the same pits that has trapped me before i thought i had the place all over. Now i am all over the place.
I had a chat with cel, hes different now. Hes as almost too busy even to talk to me. Maybe because i have been left out with everything new, and since im not in their depth as law students, that made me probably someone less interesting. While all the time back in the days, it felt really different. Ssomehow i can understand. Its like im caught between where i used to fit in, and where i cant fit in. And both of them has abandoned me. I am aimless.
Dan crashed yesterday. He has this cool motorcycle, and now its a bit disarranged.
Im just totally tired. I need help. Im at the brink of hopelessness. or maybe i already fell.

6thmarch2008

finally, after a tiring hour of waiting i finally get to log in. Its an amazing abnormal day today. I hate work everyday, and the hating just intensifies. lol like i said, i dont hate the work per se, its the system.
Anyway, chinky texted me earlier today, and shell be hanging out in our house with jacob. And it made the whole afternoon perfect because i just had a good excuse to be absent.
my lower left back is aching again. I usually get this when i fast too much. Freak its not even working and im just dying for nothing. Im so tired, and if life was a computer game, i had had pressed the reset button. Too bad its not, and you have to face what its gonna throw at you.
What else happened today.Oh yeah, i feel like i still live in 2005.

03march2008

i talked to my mom about it. Theres no way im fit for the job. I just couldnt handle it. People are older than i am , and im having a hard time trying to fit in their shoes, since i am not married. I dont even have any kid of my own, and i have only the smallest clue on what world theyre living on. Until I am satisfied she agrees with me, i convinced myself to finally tell what i have say.And then i went to church, i sat in the priesthood class. And just by sitting there I received the answer. And the answer is no. I cant quit. I cant leave them, even it looks so surreal sometimes that i can even handle it. I just had that good feeling. And for the longest time, i have felt the spirit again.I had finally got the upgrade of the bike. Its the bike now- a difference from what i thought was my bike.Man, i think it was a waste of money. I think i just lifted it for like a half inch, and its not even noticable. Crap.Two good things happened today though. Although i have starved my breakfast and lunch away for that goldarn motor, when i got home boy bawang is in the house with his mom! The second good thing is his mom cooked carbonara. Someday i must marry someone who knows how to cook it!freak im tired.

I had a tiny dispute with my kauban a day ago. I was entertaining the thought that if i cant find a good lds woman to settle with, i might as well go for someone else. I could almost insinuate him as condemning me for saying that , and he said that i have lost my mind. TOld me that i dont know what real love is. And i just didnt say anything. I thought about it a lot when he said that. On one point he is correct, true love is eternal. You cant be with someone eternally if you cant have the ordinances. You cant do that if you settle with someone random. But is that rather self-serving? I know Im treading on askewed boundaries if i say this. But are they not also children of God? My parents are converts, and they have led me and my siblings to be who they are now. Do we just love because we get as much utility as we could? If she is not with me, then i will make her with me. And if she cant or wont be with me, then i guess shell suffer. And ill suffer with her. I think its not love when theres no suffering. Even if its eternal.

01March2008

Its finally march and i still have a lot of pending resolutions. i never even get to start some of them . And Im not surprised at all.
We went to davao today, my parents forced me to, and eventually found myself sitting in the car. After minutes of persuading my mom, they finally dropped me in Boystrek and planned to spend 4 hours of counterstrike there. The thing is, noone plays that game anymore, and if some did, theyre way too good for me who hasnt had practice in years. Then i rememberd riyadh, i asked him to come and sat just by the street talking about things.
Its always nice to talk to someone from the mission. Its either because theyre the only ones who can understand you, or its when you see them you get abreactions and memories flashing. Its almost kind of refreshing in a very different way.
Two days ago , i had the hardest time working. After getting her from the hospital, I noticed that my rear tire is writhing sideways. I stopped, checked it, and freak its all flat up to the rim! Freak and i have to get to the office in 60 seconds. I told her to get a ride, and walked the bike for like a kilometer till i saw a shop. After having it fixed, and since i was late, i decided to go home teaching , and then i got another flat on my way. Freak. This time i had to waste a solid 200 for a tire replacement. And then i got home. I remember i said something about my bike, im taking it back. lmao
im very tired.