July 20, 2013 3:46 am

Dear Natdem,

Ive been awake since the last time you called me. I am supposed to be reading, but instead I am writing this letter.I am so tired of reading and remembering which I will only forget afterwards. I am lost again. I cannot believe that 5 years ago , July 2008, I was just having my first exam in law school. I remember that night perfectly because we were just together for a couple of months and it was the first time I saw you got sick. Wearing the most uncomfortable polo in the world, i sat beside you in that wooden chair near the stairs of your boarding house waiting for your temperature to cool down. I remember your face that time and the feeling I had for you. The feeling of always wanting to be by your side. It has been 5 years since that time and it feels just like tomorrow although the present situation I am in now is beyond dispute that I am no longer the same.
In a matter of 3 months from now, I will be at the point of my life where I will literally determine the outcome of it. It will be the hardest i think , and now I am already losing hope. Five years of trials, pain, suffering, and abandonment do take toll on a person. And as much as I stick my neck out there, it is only too much that I can bear. There have been too many mistakes I have committed, too much wrong choices, and so many failures in the past 5 years. To be honest, nothing in my life right now is what I have thought it would become. I have failed so many things, that right now it already seems impossible that I could actually succeed on anything at all. I am scared that I have made too many promises for us, that in the end I couldnt deliver. The truth is I just want to marry you. Live a life with you, start building our own home, share more memories together, be with you as much I could, and be accepted in the eyes of the Lord. I want to make you happy, and take care of you, like most of the people in the life will do to the ones they love. I hope I am not the exception, I hope it is not too much to ask for. I am scared of failing my life.
When we broke up for a while, I thought I was in the middle of finding myself again. I was getting used to not seeing you and not feeling the need to see you. Until that very day I will never forget when you cried to me and told me If it is not me who you cant be with in the end, then who else will be. You said it in such a way that you meant it so much as if there is no one in your world but me, that is when I came back, because I realized that there is no life without you. In the past months we said hard things to each other, some of them were very painfull. But despite those demeaning insults and words, I take courage and trust and remember the day you told me that. And everything else you say to me is quickly forgotten because to my heart you are so easily loved.
Im sorry sweetiepie, I tried to be the best person for you, I tried to keep up with my promises. But if I cant give them all to you I will always be happy to know that you are always happy.

Love,
Albert