August 25, 2013 Sunday

I just woke up from two hours of sleep. ive realized that my colds havent gone any better in fact it decided to punish me more with sneezing and a slight hint of an incoming asthma attack. Great just when I needed not to be sick, just when I started to study lengthily enough to form a pattern. Now im forced to go home again on a Sunday which I could have spent going to Church. I readied my two bags and stufedf shirts and whatnot almost too hurrriedly as if anytime I am going to be without aiir. I took a trike got off my destination and realized that I left my other bag. The timing was impressive just like all the times in my life when I needed something and I always fail one way or another. I spent the remaining hours sitting in a small bus, sneezing relentlessly until the old shirt I used to cover my nose was wet as a rug. 29 years and I can remember the years in my childhood fighting this same illness which have stuck around me like my weight problem. In despair, I could not even think of praying. I despise myself more than what this cold brings to my bleeding throat, swollen sinus, gushing mucus, and my gasping chest. I am reminded of the menacing news Ive read on the library. A guy who jumped off the parking building of gaisano. 4 floors down and his head cracked open like an egg. The guy wrote on his fb status of sorry and thank yous to his loved ones before he did it. I thought about sometimes, why would I to suffer things beyond my control. Why do I suffer a defective body when other people waste their bodies away and yet live normal lives. Why I abnormally care for mine,and end up being sick just going to a mall or riding a jeepney. Now Im sitting in a bus, with borrowed money from my girlfriend, sick, having no time to study, and alone. I contemplated on my life and the worries just pile up. I dont have a job. I dont even know if I have studied enough nor I could pass the exam. what happens after that? what happens if i dont get it? what happens of my promises to her? The thought of my loved ones and the sacrifices they have done for me is enough to condemn me in my seat. What of my lot? Am I alone? Where can i turn for help? And then I think my life, and all the good things that happened to me. I looked out the window and I passed by the same road I have passed by infintely since college. there were changes, but the trees and some other places remain the same. I think about my family, and I think about her. I think about the times we shared together. The places weve been, the food we ate, the stories we shared. I try to remember her first perfume, and the scent when we first met. I tried remembering her kindness to me, her understanding, her gifts, her support. Then I remember how much she loves me. There is no doubt to it, because how can a person like her could ever stand beside a despicable person such as I, when I couldnt even stand myself, when my father despises me, and family is at the verge of abandoning me. Perhaps she might leave me as well in the future. But even so, the things she gave me and made me feel are enough for me to be happy. And even if I die before knowing what lies ahead, I will be happy in my grave as I rekindle for eternity the love she has given me. You and I may not be perfect, we may not even be favored at pearly gates, but if God created love Im sure He knows that what we have is true. I love you sweetiepie, I will try to be the best man I could be for you, I will do my best in all my circumstances, but if I fail or come short please know that I have given all I could for you deserve no less.

July 20, 2013 3:46 am

Dear Natdem,

Ive been awake since the last time you called me. I am supposed to be reading, but instead I am writing this letter.I am so tired of reading and remembering which I will only forget afterwards. I am lost again. I cannot believe that 5 years ago , July 2008, I was just having my first exam in law school. I remember that night perfectly because we were just together for a couple of months and it was the first time I saw you got sick. Wearing the most uncomfortable polo in the world, i sat beside you in that wooden chair near the stairs of your boarding house waiting for your temperature to cool down. I remember your face that time and the feeling I had for you. The feeling of always wanting to be by your side. It has been 5 years since that time and it feels just like tomorrow although the present situation I am in now is beyond dispute that I am no longer the same.
In a matter of 3 months from now, I will be at the point of my life where I will literally determine the outcome of it. It will be the hardest i think , and now I am already losing hope. Five years of trials, pain, suffering, and abandonment do take toll on a person. And as much as I stick my neck out there, it is only too much that I can bear. There have been too many mistakes I have committed, too much wrong choices, and so many failures in the past 5 years. To be honest, nothing in my life right now is what I have thought it would become. I have failed so many things, that right now it already seems impossible that I could actually succeed on anything at all. I am scared that I have made too many promises for us, that in the end I couldnt deliver. The truth is I just want to marry you. Live a life with you, start building our own home, share more memories together, be with you as much I could, and be accepted in the eyes of the Lord. I want to make you happy, and take care of you, like most of the people in the life will do to the ones they love. I hope I am not the exception, I hope it is not too much to ask for. I am scared of failing my life.
When we broke up for a while, I thought I was in the middle of finding myself again. I was getting used to not seeing you and not feeling the need to see you. Until that very day I will never forget when you cried to me and told me If it is not me who you cant be with in the end, then who else will be. You said it in such a way that you meant it so much as if there is no one in your world but me, that is when I came back, because I realized that there is no life without you. In the past months we said hard things to each other, some of them were very painfull. But despite those demeaning insults and words, I take courage and trust and remember the day you told me that. And everything else you say to me is quickly forgotten because to my heart you are so easily loved.
Im sorry sweetiepie, I tried to be the best person for you, I tried to keep up with my promises. But if I cant give them all to you I will always be happy to know that you are always happy.

Love,
Albert

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

February 14, 2013

Dear Sweetiepie,

This is my first letter for the year 2013. It’s “corny” because today is Valentine’s Day but I want you to know that even if today is just an ordinary day, I still intent to write you this letter.

I really want to thank you for the countless support and assistance you have given all these times. I’m feeling like I owe everything to you. We both know that my job right now is not that good and we both regret that I chose this opportunity. I would like you to know that even if I feel so depressed in countless times for this wrong decision, you are the strength that motivates me to wake up every day and go to work. I even work harder even if I do not feel any achievement or accomplishment when doing so. And that is all because of you. Everything I do is all because of you. It is all because you believe in me and you always assure me that everything will be alright. And I guess, I am still waiting for everything to fall on its right places for us to be able to somehow overcome this ordeal. Going to work every day is like going to hell every day. But I am surviving each and every day because I am looking forward to hear your voice at the end of the day that somehow alleviates the feeling of burning pain I am feeling everyday in hell. Even more when I think of seeing you at the end of the week that can make me feel like I am in heaven again. You are the best blessing I have ever received from my entire life and I will be eternally grateful for that.

Sweetiepie, I may not have the means now to buy you shoes, clothes, perfumes, and other apparels but I will do my best to give you the love that is worth more than a million times than those costly things. And someday, when I will have all the means to buy you those things, I assure you that I will give you the best of all those best things not because we are worldly but because you deserve more than those best things. I maybe just giving you my promats as my monthsarry gift but I promise you that behind those cheap promats is my unfailing love that will be with you no matter what the circumstances are.

I love you everyday sweetiepie and I am missing you each and every day. I really desire to be with you forever. I will be delighted to wake up every morning seeing your face, hearing your snore. Hehehe. I love you even more than these words can say.

Love,

Natdem