December 19, 2014

Its been more than a year since I last wrote here. Today marks the day when I think I had hit rock bottom. I have no job. I failed the bar exam. I am superfat. I have relentlessly applied for jobs, but not any of those I have applied for even made a phone call. My gf is always annoyed at me and I cant blame her. I sleep so loud. I have sleep apnea. I am obese. I am wishy washy. I am so lazy. I cant even afford to buy her anything decent. When we go out, she pays everything for me including my fare. I am disgusting in every point of my life, and no matter how i try i feel like i am cursed. Just like my uncles or the people I know who failed this life. I once told my father that life is so freaking hard. Its like a road full of holes, mud, and dirt. And the people who can best avoid them survive. If there is a war today, or an epidemic, or even a simple calamity , I would be the first one to die like that guy in the movies. He told me that I am so negative. How can I not be so negative? When my life is so impossible.

I have tried my best. I tried to balance everything I could. I tried to live my life cleanly and uprightly. I have never made any decision where I have not calculated the repercussions. Yet despite all of that, the fears that I have desperately fought with my entire life, came to my doors as if they had the original keys to the locks. As if I was watching a show , I sat there front row and see my life nosediving and turning me into this ball-less disgusting individual today.

Where have I gone wrong? What did I do in my life so wrongly to be stuck in a limbo? I thought I was a good person. But the truth is Im not. If i was then i would not be writing this. I have noone to blame but myself. I cant play the victim card here because this is my life and its the only I got.

In a few months from now Bar exams result will come. I dont look forward to it. It was a hard exam and exceedingly long.  I just want to fix my life. Fix my health. Fix my mentality. Fix me.

April 11, 2014

Dear Maam,

Because I am out of words of things to tell you. This song tells exactly what is on my mind.