December 19, 2014

Its been more than a year since I last wrote here. Today marks the day when I think I had hit rock bottom. I have no job. I failed the bar exam. I am superfat. I have relentlessly applied for jobs, but not any of those I have applied for even made a phone call. My gf is always annoyed at me and I cant blame her. I sleep so loud. I have sleep apnea. I am obese. I am wishy washy. I am so lazy. I cant even afford to buy her anything decent. When we go out, she pays everything for me including my fare. I am disgusting in every point of my life, and no matter how i try i feel like i am cursed. Just like my uncles or the people I know who failed this life. I once told my father that life is so freaking hard. Its like a road full of holes, mud, and dirt. And the people who can best avoid them survive. If there is a war today, or an epidemic, or even a simple calamity , I would be the first one to die like that guy in the movies. He told me that I am so negative. How can I not be so negative? When my life is so impossible.

I have tried my best. I tried to balance everything I could. I tried to live my life cleanly and uprightly. I have never made any decision where I have not calculated the repercussions. Yet despite all of that, the fears that I have desperately fought with my entire life, came to my doors as if they had the original keys to the locks. As if I was watching a show , I sat there front row and see my life nosediving and turning me into this ball-less disgusting individual today.

Where have I gone wrong? What did I do in my life so wrongly to be stuck in a limbo? I thought I was a good person. But the truth is Im not. If i was then i would not be writing this. I have noone to blame but myself. I cant play the victim card here because this is my life and its the only I got.

In a few months from now Bar exams result will come. I dont look forward to it. It was a hard exam and exceedingly long.  I just want to fix my life. Fix my health. Fix my mentality. Fix me.

April 11, 2014

Dear Maam,

Because I am out of words of things to tell you. This song tells exactly what is on my mind.

August 25, 2013 Sunday

I just woke up from two hours of sleep. ive realized that my colds havent gone any better in fact it decided to punish me more with sneezing and a slight hint of an incoming asthma attack. Great just when I needed not to be sick, just when I started to study lengthily enough to form a pattern. Now im forced to go home again on a Sunday which I could have spent going to Church. I readied my two bags and stufedf shirts and whatnot almost too hurrriedly as if anytime I am going to be without aiir. I took a trike got off my destination and realized that I left my other bag. The timing was impressive just like all the times in my life when I needed something and I always fail one way or another. I spent the remaining hours sitting in a small bus, sneezing relentlessly until the old shirt I used to cover my nose was wet as a rug. 29 years and I can remember the years in my childhood fighting this same illness which have stuck around me like my weight problem. In despair, I could not even think of praying. I despise myself more than what this cold brings to my bleeding throat, swollen sinus, gushing mucus, and my gasping chest. I am reminded of the menacing news Ive read on the library. A guy who jumped off the parking building of gaisano. 4 floors down and his head cracked open like an egg. The guy wrote on his fb status of sorry and thank yous to his loved ones before he did it. I thought about sometimes, why would I to suffer things beyond my control. Why do I suffer a defective body when other people waste their bodies away and yet live normal lives. Why I abnormally care for mine,and end up being sick just going to a mall or riding a jeepney. Now Im sitting in a bus, with borrowed money from my girlfriend, sick, having no time to study, and alone. I contemplated on my life and the worries just pile up. I dont have a job. I dont even know if I have studied enough nor I could pass the exam. what happens after that? what happens if i dont get it? what happens of my promises to her? The thought of my loved ones and the sacrifices they have done for me is enough to condemn me in my seat. What of my lot? Am I alone? Where can i turn for help? And then I think my life, and all the good things that happened to me. I looked out the window and I passed by the same road I have passed by infintely since college. there were changes, but the trees and some other places remain the same. I think about my family, and I think about her. I think about the times we shared together. The places weve been, the food we ate, the stories we shared. I try to remember her first perfume, and the scent when we first met. I tried remembering her kindness to me, her understanding, her gifts, her support. Then I remember how much she loves me. There is no doubt to it, because how can a person like her could ever stand beside a despicable person such as I, when I couldnt even stand myself, when my father despises me, and family is at the verge of abandoning me. Perhaps she might leave me as well in the future. But even so, the things she gave me and made me feel are enough for me to be happy. And even if I die before knowing what lies ahead, I will be happy in my grave as I rekindle for eternity the love she has given me. You and I may not be perfect, we may not even be favored at pearly gates, but if God created love Im sure He knows that what we have is true. I love you sweetiepie, I will try to be the best man I could be for you, I will do my best in all my circumstances, but if I fail or come short please know that I have given all I could for you deserve no less.