November

I can’t believe that it’s almost a year since I have been home. It doesn’t feel that way, and its just surreal how time is so insignificant today. We have so much things to do, yet we have so little time to do them. I remember this day back in Baguio, it was cold and gloomy just like any normal day there. I literally spent the whole day on the phone taking care of sick people. One guy was having hemorrhoids, and another lady was having weird back pains. I couldn’t stop thinking about home. It was as if home is a weird word, its like I would never reach to the point of getting there. Yet, I had so many plans in my thoughts, so many expectations, so many ambitions, and so many dreams to materialize them.
And then I went home. Nothing that I have ever planned, or did I ever even think of came true. My expectations were all wrong, and I could not understand it even though I have believed I have lowered them to the extreme. Hehe
I watched a talk just the other week. The guy who spoke told about life changing decisions. I never thought that by one single choice your whole life can turn around. Its like choosing two unknown roads, and you’re at the crosspoint. If you take left, you know that it would be a smooth walk down to where you’re going, but you take the bumpy, hard right just because it makes you happy. And then you start thinking what makes you really happy? Are you happy when you’re rested? Are you happy because you’re comfortable? Or would that kind of happiness ever make you a better person. I remember the words of the speaker during the talk I mentioned above as he quoted a Chinese maxim. He said, " a gem would never shine without friction". I pondered over those words, and they mean something to me.
Im grateful for all my trials and problems. Along the way I will be getting more Im sure, maybe some of them will be life changing too. But for whatever its worth, I know that when we get over those problems, we become better persons inch by inch. When we make mistakes, we learn a lesson the very hard way, but we still live to learn that lesson.
I had my own life changing decision. I think that’s the only decision that I ever did that I really decided it by my own. I’m grateful that I have decided to be with her. The roads maybe bumpy and the walk is sometimes hard. But because of all those friction, I have learned that love goes beyond what is comfortable. Love goes beyond not only when were happy, or rich, or clean, or beautiful or when were smiling. Love is also hard, and painful, tiring, full of tears, heartbreaking, and poor. The best thing I think that ive learned from this decision, is that I love her more when she is ugly, or when were poor, or when everything is hard around us, than when everything is well.
My life has changed since last year, she has changed my life and I could never repay her for the happiness she brings to me. It occurred to me that maybe I didn’t fail with my plans, just as she has been unexpected, maybe I will get more unexpected plans. As much as God has given her to me, maybe God will give me a better path to walk.
I wouldn’t be afraid to walk no matter how hard the road He is going to give me , as long as I am walking it with her.

10 october2008

Jacob is growing real quick. He knows know how to prone, and i hope in a few months i can be able to walk him. The sem is also ending and i have had a good ride with law school and everything. Im just scared with my grades , no pun intended.

My life has changed and the things i have planned before going home from my mission have never been materialized. I guess i was just wishy washying again. I really need to get job. She told me that everything that has a reason for it. We may not understand it for now, and the mistakes that we do, but its consequences whether bad or worse, will remind us that a lesson has been taught just for us to grow. Thats what i have learned the past few months.

I love her, and i dont think i will ever get tired of loving her. She is not the one i expected her to be, but she has become more than i ever wanted. I dont know if i will be able to wait for her. Just thinking right now of her that shes not by my side, gives me a pang of longingness. Parched by the agony and the need to see her face. And only to quenched by her simple smile.
The world i knew before was huge and wide. The world i live now lies in two lovely eyes.

10september2008

Its been 9 months since i got home. The other day i went to the mall and they started playing christmas songs, which i think is too premature. I rememberd my last christmas in the mission. When everyone is having feasts in their tables, i was eating 2 packs of noodles for my christmas day. hehe I loved my mission, its one of the biggest part of my life.
Today was a bad day. I was refused from the job i was applying and made her really upset. If i can only turn the hands of the darn clocks, i shouldve went home early. THe past weeks have been really exhausting. I had to drive home everyday, and i missed a lot of study time, and soon ill be paying it with some red marks i guess.

Its also the day that Ive been with her for 4 months now. It doesnt feel like four months. Its as if i am with her all of my life, and at the same time the brevity of time cannot exact the lost time that i havent known her yet.

The last four months have been the best 4 months of my life. The more i know her, the more i like her. THe more I see her, the prettier she gets. THe more i listen to her, the more i am amazed with her. The more i love her, the deeper i am falling for her.

I do not know what will happen for the next four months, or the next four years, or the next four decades, oR for my four next lives. All i know is that i could not even spend the next four seconds without her in my life. How could I, if she is my life.