This will be my last letter for this blog. Like everything in this life there is a beginning and there is also an end.

Almost 5 years ago I received this letter on my birthday:

"09 Aug 2010

Dear Sweetiepie,

It's your birthday today. Happy birthday. hehe  Happy 27th months too. I wish I could give you all the most expensive gifts, shirts, shoes, perfumes. I wish I could give you some but only a letter I can afford right now. I cant even afford to buy you a card .I wish I can offer you the world. I really wanna make you happy, but I cant afford to buy any.
But despite all these, I can offer you my world. I love you so much. I know that time will come that I can afford to buy you these things. But for now my love is all that I can offer. Again Im sorry for eveyrthing - for always giving you problems.
Im praying to always give you good health and that you will be happy always. Though our plans are not again working now, Im still happy that I have you and Im with you. Even if we are constrained financially, I know everything will be fine. Lets just set again our plan come other time. Im sory if we cant make everything now.
I love you albert. Though my love for you is just this plain and simple, it cannot be measured or equalled. Happy Birthday.""

I love this letter. This letter has been very special to me then, and it could have been more important to me now. I came upon this letter accidentally today while I was looking for medicines, and this may be the answer to everything.
I started making this blog when I got home from my mission, I used this to replace my journal which I have been accustomed to writing everyday back in the mission. This is my life for the span of almost a decade now. And if you read it you can perfectly tell that my life revolved only on one person. But today it will end.
Natdem, I can no longer run after you. I have proven my love to you countless of times where I even sleep in bus stations. or where I never sleep at all. You and I both know that the things weve both been through.  I have spent 1/3 of my life with you. Almost everyday I look forward in taking care of you, everyday of my life I spend thinking about your welfare. IF you have eaten if youre sick, if youre driving safe. I would help you from your assignments to your job interviews and most of the time I would say to myself  if only I can do these things for you I would do it themselves. I even prayed and said that I would rather not become a lawyer or succeed in life just so you would succeed in everything you do.
Thats why it is so unfair in my part, for loving someone so much amidst poorness and difficulty and be with her during those times of failure and mistakes, and now that I am in the middle of failures and poorness and difficulty and find myself not only being alone, but also condemned , judged and abandoned. I really thought that because you have experience hardship yourself, that of all the people in the world youre the best person who can understand me. But instead youre the first person to condemn me.
I wish there was a way to let you know that I am not lazy. That taking the bar twice is harder than any job in the world, and failing both is even worse. I wish you can understand that it doesnt mean that I am old now and I dont have work is because I do not want to work, its just because I am still starting today. The only difference between us is you were younger when you started, but because of my strange circumstance I only get to start now.
I know perfectly well that love is not enough in this world. people need money and with that comes along happiness. I am not dumb and clueless. People deserve to be happy and succeed in life. however you and i both know that it does not happen overnight.
As an ending to this blog, I want you to know that I dont think of myself  as a high person. If you only knew how I think of myself, its worse than how low you think of me now.You are right, you would be so unlucky to be married to someone like me. I also do not think that I am always right in everything, for how can someone like me be right in anything when I have failed everything in my life. This is not self pity but reality.
Youre a great person. I hope life will grant you more blessings and great things in the future. You deserve everything good. I wish you will always be happy. Im sorry for somehow destroying your dreams and plans like going abroad. I really thought I could make you happy the same way I really wanted to pass the bar or get a good job. Everyone wants a successful life , and no matter how ironic this may seem to you, everyone also includes me. Im sorry when I said that you are social climber. Its not true. Everyone deserves good things.
I cried reading the letter you gave to me. I know money is very important. Things are also very important. But I would trade any expensive shoe, or shirt, or phone over this letter you sent me 5 years ago. Not because I am unrealistic or emotional, its because money and things are easily found, but a letter as meaningful as this is impossible to find. Just like you.

sorry for everything and goodbye.

December 19, 2014

Its been more than a year since I last wrote here. Today marks the day when I think I had hit rock bottom. I have no job. I failed the bar exam. I am superfat. I have relentlessly applied for jobs, but not any of those I have applied for even made a phone call. My gf is always annoyed at me and I cant blame her. I sleep so loud. I have sleep apnea. I am obese. I am wishy washy. I am so lazy. I cant even afford to buy her anything decent. When we go out, she pays everything for me including my fare. I am disgusting in every point of my life, and no matter how i try i feel like i am cursed. Just like my uncles or the people I know who failed this life. I once told my father that life is so freaking hard. Its like a road full of holes, mud, and dirt. And the people who can best avoid them survive. If there is a war today, or an epidemic, or even a simple calamity , I would be the first one to die like that guy in the movies. He told me that I am so negative. How can I not be so negative? When my life is so impossible.

I have tried my best. I tried to balance everything I could. I tried to live my life cleanly and uprightly. I have never made any decision where I have not calculated the repercussions. Yet despite all of that, the fears that I have desperately fought with my entire life, came to my doors as if they had the original keys to the locks. As if I was watching a show , I sat there front row and see my life nosediving and turning me into this ball-less disgusting individual today.

Where have I gone wrong? What did I do in my life so wrongly to be stuck in a limbo? I thought I was a good person. But the truth is Im not. If i was then i would not be writing this. I have noone to blame but myself. I cant play the victim card here because this is my life and its the only I got.

In a few months from now Bar exams result will come. I dont look forward to it. It was a hard exam and exceedingly long.  I just want to fix my life. Fix my health. Fix my mentality. Fix me.

April 11, 2014

Dear Maam,

Because I am out of words of things to tell you. This song tells exactly what is on my mind.