April 16, 2012

Dear Natdem,

Its 1:43 am Monday and i cant put myself to sleep. Today or a few hours later I will begin to tackle one of the hardest points of my life. This setback has been the hardest for me and i literally cry in depression of the failure i have come to be. I dont know what will happen to me today or the next few days, but one thing is for sure whatever happens later will alter the course of my life significantly. But for now i want to tell you how i feel about us.

Each night as i struggle to bed, I would always remember the first time i heard your voice. You called me and you were having your graduation party off samal. I remember your voice laughing and another lady voice which i would later know to be josel. I would remember looking at your pics at friendster one by one clicking through the graduation pics taken to some pics you took from home. I would remember the first time i held your hands, the first meal we ate together, the first kiss you gave me. Everything with you is first for me, still today there are first things for me with you too. You are my first , my one and only. Nothing has preceded or followed you. I remember how simple our lives were going through the day, dreaming of things, and promising of things. It has been four years that have passed and i hate to say it that some of our dreams did not come true.

I may have failed some of my wishes and desires. I have failed you in so many ways and those things made you upset. But theres one thing i can assure you of, that tonight as i wrote this letter I have always loved you and will always love you. I may have nothing today, and i dont know what ill have tomorow. But I will not hesitate to give you my strength , my time, my effort, and my heart. As flimsy as they sound, they are the only things that I have with me. Im sorry. I love you Natdem and everything about you. I would not have my life any other way. I have realized that because i have lived so much in the future and so eager to live my goals, that four years have passed by through me quickly and i have taken for granted other important things.

I love you so much. Its not because that i have less feelings for you that i do not write anymore, but because I think i have already used up all words to explain and express what i feel for you. Time has been so quick and we are together now for so very long, yet i feel like i have known you yesterday and havent had enough of you. I love you i always will be here for you.

Albert

29 July 2011

Albert,

3 months have passed that distance literally separates us from seeing each other. I miss you so bad. And I was hurt yesterday when you said that you almost forgot me. You already forgot the scent of my perfume. I don't want you to forget even the scent of my hair. You even slept last night without saying "i love you". I cried at the thought of that and even until now I'm crying remembering yesterday. I am bothered and I don't want this to happen.

I'm glad being with this Masters' program. I know this is a blessing. This is for us. Please don't give up. I'm just away for just a year. After this, we will be happy being together again and you will see me anytime you want. We even have plans of getting married next year, right? Just hold on. I know that this is hard for you and you're having difficulties in adapting our situation.

I'm sorry if at times, I misinterpret you or if I talk amiss judging you and say offensive words. I did not mean that. I'm just upset with your responses and you even sound judgmental at times which I don't like. I'm sorry.

I'm missing and wanting you so bad right now. I wish you are with me travelling through this MRT and LRT, travelling through buses and jeepneys exhausted from the traffic, figuring out which way to go, buying these new things, being with these new places, going to different malls,etc. How I wish you are here. How I pray that someday we can do this together in this big and new city for us. I miss laughing with you. I miss having dinner with you, walking with you, leaning in your arms, holding your arms and hands, listening to your jokes while looking at your face mimicking. I miss your arms around me. I miss you breathing so close to me. I miss those hands that caress me. I miss everything in you. I miss you.

Being with you in Baguio was an awesome experience. It was a nice place and my experiences there was beautiful because of you. I just thought that being with you in that place was impossible but you made it real. You made my dream come true. And I was so surprised that you still remember my literal dream that the man I will marry is the one riding with me in a blue bus in long long hours of journey. It was indeed you that my dream when I was a teenager is trying to portray - the man of my dreams. Hehehe. I'm not thinking about it anymore but you refreshed that memory. Hehehe. SO funny yet so surprising. We really rode a blue bus to Baguio and to Manila - Genesis and Partas - and we traveled for a total of 16hours back and forth. Am I right? I know it's you. Hehehe.

Honestly, I prayed to Heavenly Father before committing to this relationship. I'm glad that you are a man who remains steadfast against all these circumstances and trials. I'm so much blessed that you are my answered prayer. And when you broke up with me months ago, I prayed to Heavenly Father again and I'm still glad and blessed that you are still my answered prayer. I know it's you. You are a great great blessing to me. I still don't know what I've done so good and so best that God has given me this great great blessing. God has given me you.

Thank you for being so strong and standing with conviction to stay and love me no matter what. You see good things in me that others cannot. You treat me like a treasured pearl that no one can afford to loose. You accept everything in me and assure to me all the time that I am special. You love me and you live your life in the bounds of my love also.

I love you and you are special to me. I hope you know that. You are my life and my answered prayer. Like a pearl or diamond, I cannot afford to loose you too. And I want you to know that I'm committed to stay with you no matter what. I will stand firm for this relationship and for you for the rest of our eternity. I am determined to do everything just to be your partner even in life after death. I cannot see my life living without you but I simply see my life living with you until I grow old and die and even in my next life.

I love you very much.

Natdem

June 26, 2011

Im writing you this letter Natdem because I could not express this by voice or by text, and because right now you are sleeping soundly away from me and im nursing a very bad ear-headache. Last week after five years i was finally able to walk again the very same roads i used to walk in my mission. I went to Baguio and to Rosario and passed by my old mission memories. The only difference this time is I am not a missionary and I was with you. Before my flight to Manila my thoughts were anxious with how i would feel when i get there. Would i be as excited and happy as i would be in my dreams and longing to go back there? Would i be able neglect you that you are around when ill be there with Bryan? Will i be happier to see my mission again than seeing you?

Im glad that even before i even stepped on a bus to go to baguio that these questions were answered. When I got off the plane and i could not get a signal, i was so worried that you will get lost. I was so worried where you might have been and i could not imagine you being lost in a big city where i could not even have a single clue myself where i am. When finally i saw you, my heart was broken to see you so pale, losing weight,, with chaffed lips. I was so worried and glad to see you that i could not even be happy seeing bryan. all i wanted to do that time was to hug you and cry my eyes because i finally understood that the reason why I was there was nothing but to see you. When we left you at your boarding house, and we took the ride to bryan;s home all i can ever think of is you. how i loved you, how i missed you, how i felt like it was way back before that i would cry when you leave me at ecoland terminal to go to digos. even when i was about to sleep i still think about you. I woke up so early and travel alone just to see you the following day. Being with you alone is the best feeling in the world, and it doesnt matter where we are in it.

When we travelled to baguio, and you were beside me, i have finally realized something. Something that i should have overcome a long time ago. That my mission was real and it was long over. I used to have this feeling that my mission was like a dream , that baguio or manila, or the areas and the people were just dreams and arent true. Because it felt that way, i was made to believe that going back to those places is impossible. But then because of you, you made it real. And now i can finally connect the dots, and understand that there is nothing waiting for me in baguio, and that there is no place for me there anymore and that i have to stop dreaming about it. Its the same place, and its the very same spots, but because you are with me, finally the dream isnt that exciting anymore. Its like the same feeling i get when i go to bankerohan. It meant nothing to me anymore. What means everything to me is the smile that is on your face and seeing you beside me.

Natdem, i missed your mouth i missed your hands, the scent of your hair, the shape of your lips, the feel of your skin, the sound of your voice. During those times, all that mattered was you. Not my areas, not my mission, not everything there. I finally understood that in order to be happy, its not the place that matters, but the person you are with that time. I was happy because you were there. I am happy because i am with you. Im a very lucky guy because i have you. Take you away, and i have a miserably life to live.

When the day came when you took me to the airport, i controlled myself all of my strength to keep my emotions. But seeing you, and knowing that you are so far away from me gets the best of me. I love you Natdem, I loved you, i will love you, and i always will be loving you. I cannot wait till you graduate from your masters .

I have so many feelings i want to express now, but i cant put them into words. Now that I have overcome a part of my life, another dream remains. The dream of you. the dream that someday i will always see you everyday of my life. The dream to have my kids with you. the dream to build us a home, the dream to see and enter the temple together, the dream to take care of you always, the dream to love you eternally, the dream to grow old together, the dream to marry you. Thank you Natdem for making my life beautiful, and for making me realize that dreams sometimes come true, because once upon a time more than 3 years ago, you were only just my dream as well.

i love you sweetiepie, thank you so much,

albert.