February 7, 2016

Dear Albert,

I am writing you this letter to express my anger, dismay, grief,  and disappointment. Today, marks the day that I have come to realize that we are not meant for each other. The fight we had a while ago was different from the previous misunderstandings we had the past years. I am sorry if I failed you. I am sorry if I wasnt able to turn to someone you like and love most. I am sorry if I am impatient, too sensitive, pointless, stubborn, and selfish girl I have become. And I guess our feelings are mutual. I realized that I just wasted my whole 8 years of life spending it with you. I know that you feel the same too.

A while ago, while we are fighting, I realized and learned a lot of things that pushed me to decide not to be with you anymore. I want you to know how much I hate you and how much I hate myself for not seeing these signs earlier so I could have spent my 8 years with the right one and not with you.

I wish I could enumerate all the things I hated about you. But enumerating all those things will never change any. So, I am writing you this letter to bid farewell to all the things and time we wasted together. You and I both know that being together was the biggest mistake we ever did to our lives. I just hope you find the one you are really looking for. And as for me, I think there is no one prepared out there for me. I am a bad and hard to understand kind of person that anyone could wish they haven't met me.  Maybe there is something wrong with me that others cannot understand. But if there is really that someone prepared for me, I just hope that I will meet him the soonest time possible so I could be happy and contented. So we cannot hurt each other's feelings.

You are a good person inside and out. You are so easy to love. I know you can find someone who will love you much more than I can give. I think we are not just compatible with each other. I believe that there is always that someone perfect for you. And its not me. Maybe we wasted 8 years but those 8 years of memories are full of lessons to look back on. I hope we helped each other grow.

I wish you success in all your endeavors. I am praying for all your heart's desires to be granted. I will pray for your good health and happiness. May you always be a blessing to everyone. May you never lose hope in finding that special one for you. I am so sorry I can't be her.

I will miss you but if we will be together, we will always be like this. I think it is wiser to put an end in this relationship. May we both become happy on the different roads we will take.

Good bye Albert. I am sorry for everything. I cannot make it anymore. I know you feel the same way too.


Sincerely,

Natdem

November 10, 2015

Dear Natdem,

Happy Monthsary! I love you!

I have lost count of how many months we have been together. I have lost count on the number days we are in this relationship. I have even somehow forgotten that yesterday was our monthsary. Although I have stopped counting, or I have not remembered particular days, one thing remains constant, that I have not stopped loving you and be deeply grateful for the love you have reciprocated.

I am so sorry that I cannot give you any gift for this monthsary. I am so sorry that I have been a burden to you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even financially. I am sorry that you have to pay for our dates, and even for my bus ticket home. I am sorry that in spite of this,  I sometimes make you feel unappreciated and neglected. I am sorry that I throw words at you of which you are most undeserving.

 I am sorry because I have not kept my promise to you when we were younger. I did not do my part. I know that my promise was to become a lawyer so that you never have to go abroad. I am sorry that because of me, your dreams , plans, and ambitions are put to the side. I am sorry that I have pushed them away, and while you settle in a work you hardly like , I have never heard anything from you against me.

But please do not ever think that I have forgotten them. Never for one second consider that what you have given me today in my nothingness will become a stupor of thought. I will remember them. I will always remember your love for me. And in the coming days whether I rise or fall, I will always be grateful that I have you and I will never regret everything that has happened to me because of you.

They say that God hears and answers our prayers. Id like to think that whatever trials we or I have today, that they have a purpose in the end. That all will work out soon for the good. I know that I have been battling them for almost a decade now, and to be honest I am very weary.My life is in a mess right now. I am lost, and all of my plans were destroyed. 

 But I do not lose hope to dream a hindsight later on, because while my pleas to the heavens seem abandoned at this moment, I must never forget that once upon a time that I have an answered prayer too, because Natdem I know that deep in my heart that God gave me you.

I love you sweetiepie and sorry sa tanan,

Albert

September 9, 2015

Aug. 9, 2015

Dear Sweetiepie,

I just would like to use this medium to express the feelings I have right now.

Today, I feel so discouraged with my life. I feel that I have made a wrong decision to stay in this company or in this job. The work itself is fine and the workloads I have are also bearable. However, I have this strange feeling that this might not the work for me. I feel so stagnant and not growing in any way. I didn't have any recognition of the things I have done right which makes me think that I am doing everything wrong. It seems that I am not perfectly fit in this field. It also makes me wonder why I need to experienced a lot of insults, hardships, and struggles during the process of getting this job. And even if I already have this job, I felt so discouraged because I think I am bot doing well anymore and Im not being productive. Maybe I am already exhausted with the things I am doing right now. I wanted to escape but I cannot. I need a job. I need this. I dont know how to be productive in this field. Why people are receiving such good recognitions with this job while I cannot have one. Im not being competitive. I just want to do my job well.

On the other hand, sweetiepie, as usual, you are still my one and only strength that keeps me going. Every adjustments that I have, every major decisions that I make, you are always with me. You are always my hero. When I am with you, I feel so happy that I can totally forget all the deadlines. And I want to experience that feeling again and again.

More than 7 years had passed yet I still cant get enough of you. All the long long time spent together are still not enough. I guess the need for us to be together forever is increasing. (Hehehe) I want you to know that I feel so good and great when Im with you. And I want to be in that feeling everyday. I want you to know, sweetiepie, that you are always the reason I survive. You are the reason for both of my eyes to open every morning. You are the reason why I am strong and can conquer all the insults, struggles, and trials thrown upon me. You are the only energy I have in the middle of this tiredness. You are the only recognition I have in the middle of disappointments and failures. I may not be a survivor in the workfield I have now at least I tried to be one because of you.

It is also clear to me that you have more feelings of disappointments than me. I know that you always hit the bottom rock of your life but I am so proud of you for trying to be the best. I want you to know that I am always be proud of you no matter what. I see all your struggles and trials and I also see all your efforts and good desires. I am praying that someday, God will grant all the desires of our hearts in his own perfect time. And I assure you that I am always here with you waiting for that perfect time. You are indeed an inspiration to me. You are my love. With you, my life begins.

I love you very much sweetiepie. I am missing you every day. I know we can survive the trials we have right now. I know, someday, our sun will shine.... :-) Happy monthsarry sweetiepie. Happy 88 months together.



Positively hoping,

Natdem

This will be my last letter for this blog. Like everything in this life there is a beginning and there is also an end.

Almost 5 years ago I received this letter on my birthday:

"09 Aug 2010

Dear Sweetiepie,

It's your birthday today. Happy birthday. hehe  Happy 27th months too. I wish I could give you all the most expensive gifts, shirts, shoes, perfumes. I wish I could give you some but only a letter I can afford right now. I cant even afford to buy you a card .I wish I can offer you the world. I really wanna make you happy, but I cant afford to buy any.
But despite all these, I can offer you my world. I love you so much. I know that time will come that I can afford to buy you these things. But for now my love is all that I can offer. Again Im sorry for eveyrthing - for always giving you problems.
Im praying to always give you good health and that you will be happy always. Though our plans are not again working now, Im still happy that I have you and Im with you. Even if we are constrained financially, I know everything will be fine. Lets just set again our plan come other time. Im sory if we cant make everything now.
I love you albert. Though my love for you is just this plain and simple, it cannot be measured or equalled. Happy Birthday.""

I love this letter. This letter has been very special to me then, and it could have been more important to me now. I came upon this letter accidentally today while I was looking for medicines, and this may be the answer to everything.
I started making this blog when I got home from my mission, I used this to replace my journal which I have been accustomed to writing everyday back in the mission. This is my life for the span of almost a decade now. And if you read it you can perfectly tell that my life revolved only on one person. But today it will end.
Natdem, I can no longer run after you. I have proven my love to you countless of times where I even sleep in bus stations. or where I never sleep at all. You and I both know that the things weve both been through.  I have spent 1/3 of my life with you. Almost everyday I look forward in taking care of you, everyday of my life I spend thinking about your welfare. IF you have eaten if youre sick, if youre driving safe. I would help you from your assignments to your job interviews and most of the time I would say to myself  if only I can do these things for you I would do it themselves. I even prayed and said that I would rather not become a lawyer or succeed in life just so you would succeed in everything you do.
Thats why it is so unfair in my part, for loving someone so much amidst poorness and difficulty and be with her during those times of failure and mistakes, and now that I am in the middle of failures and poorness and difficulty and find myself not only being alone, but also condemned , judged and abandoned. I really thought that because you have experience hardship yourself, that of all the people in the world youre the best person who can understand me. But instead youre the first person to condemn me.
I wish there was a way to let you know that I am not lazy. That taking the bar twice is harder than any job in the world, and failing both is even worse. I wish you can understand that it doesnt mean that I am old now and I dont have work is because I do not want to work, its just because I am still starting today. The only difference between us is you were younger when you started, but because of my strange circumstance I only get to start now.
I know perfectly well that love is not enough in this world. people need money and with that comes along happiness. I am not dumb and clueless. People deserve to be happy and succeed in life. however you and i both know that it does not happen overnight.
As an ending to this blog, I want you to know that I dont think of myself  as a high person. If you only knew how I think of myself, its worse than how low you think of me now.You are right, you would be so unlucky to be married to someone like me. I also do not think that I am always right in everything, for how can someone like me be right in anything when I have failed everything in my life. This is not self pity but reality.
Youre a great person. I hope life will grant you more blessings and great things in the future. You deserve everything good. I wish you will always be happy. Im sorry for somehow destroying your dreams and plans like going abroad. I really thought I could make you happy the same way I really wanted to pass the bar or get a good job. Everyone wants a successful life , and no matter how ironic this may seem to you, everyone also includes me. Im sorry when I said that you are social climber. Its not true. Everyone deserves good things.
I cried reading the letter you gave to me. I know money is very important. Things are also very important. But I would trade any expensive shoe, or shirt, or phone over this letter you sent me 5 years ago. Not because I am unrealistic or emotional, its because money and things are easily found, but a letter as meaningful as this is impossible to find. Just like you.

sorry for everything and goodbye.

December 19, 2014

Its been more than a year since I last wrote here. Today marks the day when I think I had hit rock bottom. I have no job. I failed the bar exam. I am superfat. I have relentlessly applied for jobs, but not any of those I have applied for even made a phone call. My gf is always annoyed at me and I cant blame her. I sleep so loud. I have sleep apnea. I am obese. I am wishy washy. I am so lazy. I cant even afford to buy her anything decent. When we go out, she pays everything for me including my fare. I am disgusting in every point of my life, and no matter how i try i feel like i am cursed. Just like my uncles or the people I know who failed this life. I once told my father that life is so freaking hard. Its like a road full of holes, mud, and dirt. And the people who can best avoid them survive. If there is a war today, or an epidemic, or even a simple calamity , I would be the first one to die like that guy in the movies. He told me that I am so negative. How can I not be so negative? When my life is so impossible.

I have tried my best. I tried to balance everything I could. I tried to live my life cleanly and uprightly. I have never made any decision where I have not calculated the repercussions. Yet despite all of that, the fears that I have desperately fought with my entire life, came to my doors as if they had the original keys to the locks. As if I was watching a show , I sat there front row and see my life nosediving and turning me into this ball-less disgusting individual today.

Where have I gone wrong? What did I do in my life so wrongly to be stuck in a limbo? I thought I was a good person. But the truth is Im not. If i was then i would not be writing this. I have noone to blame but myself. I cant play the victim card here because this is my life and its the only I got.

In a few months from now Bar exams result will come. I dont look forward to it. It was a hard exam and exceedingly long.  I just want to fix my life. Fix my health. Fix my mentality. Fix me.

April 11, 2014

Dear Maam,

Because I am out of words of things to tell you. This song tells exactly what is on my mind.

August 25, 2013 Sunday

I just woke up from two hours of sleep. ive realized that my colds havent gone any better in fact it decided to punish me more with sneezing and a slight hint of an incoming asthma attack. Great just when I needed not to be sick, just when I started to study lengthily enough to form a pattern. Now im forced to go home again on a Sunday which I could have spent going to Church. I readied my two bags and stufedf shirts and whatnot almost too hurrriedly as if anytime I am going to be without aiir. I took a trike got off my destination and realized that I left my other bag. The timing was impressive just like all the times in my life when I needed something and I always fail one way or another. I spent the remaining hours sitting in a small bus, sneezing relentlessly until the old shirt I used to cover my nose was wet as a rug. 29 years and I can remember the years in my childhood fighting this same illness which have stuck around me like my weight problem. In despair, I could not even think of praying. I despise myself more than what this cold brings to my bleeding throat, swollen sinus, gushing mucus, and my gasping chest. I am reminded of the menacing news Ive read on the library. A guy who jumped off the parking building of gaisano. 4 floors down and his head cracked open like an egg. The guy wrote on his fb status of sorry and thank yous to his loved ones before he did it. I thought about sometimes, why would I to suffer things beyond my control. Why do I suffer a defective body when other people waste their bodies away and yet live normal lives. Why I abnormally care for mine,and end up being sick just going to a mall or riding a jeepney. Now Im sitting in a bus, with borrowed money from my girlfriend, sick, having no time to study, and alone. I contemplated on my life and the worries just pile up. I dont have a job. I dont even know if I have studied enough nor I could pass the exam. what happens after that? what happens if i dont get it? what happens of my promises to her? The thought of my loved ones and the sacrifices they have done for me is enough to condemn me in my seat. What of my lot? Am I alone? Where can i turn for help? And then I think my life, and all the good things that happened to me. I looked out the window and I passed by the same road I have passed by infintely since college. there were changes, but the trees and some other places remain the same. I think about my family, and I think about her. I think about the times we shared together. The places weve been, the food we ate, the stories we shared. I try to remember her first perfume, and the scent when we first met. I tried remembering her kindness to me, her understanding, her gifts, her support. Then I remember how much she loves me. There is no doubt to it, because how can a person like her could ever stand beside a despicable person such as I, when I couldnt even stand myself, when my father despises me, and family is at the verge of abandoning me. Perhaps she might leave me as well in the future. But even so, the things she gave me and made me feel are enough for me to be happy. And even if I die before knowing what lies ahead, I will be happy in my grave as I rekindle for eternity the love she has given me. You and I may not be perfect, we may not even be favored at pearly gates, but if God created love Im sure He knows that what we have is true. I love you sweetiepie, I will try to be the best man I could be for you, I will do my best in all my circumstances, but if I fail or come short please know that I have given all I could for you deserve no less.

July 20, 2013 3:46 am

Dear Natdem,

Ive been awake since the last time you called me. I am supposed to be reading, but instead I am writing this letter.I am so tired of reading and remembering which I will only forget afterwards. I am lost again. I cannot believe that 5 years ago , July 2008, I was just having my first exam in law school. I remember that night perfectly because we were just together for a couple of months and it was the first time I saw you got sick. Wearing the most uncomfortable polo in the world, i sat beside you in that wooden chair near the stairs of your boarding house waiting for your temperature to cool down. I remember your face that time and the feeling I had for you. The feeling of always wanting to be by your side. It has been 5 years since that time and it feels just like tomorrow although the present situation I am in now is beyond dispute that I am no longer the same.
In a matter of 3 months from now, I will be at the point of my life where I will literally determine the outcome of it. It will be the hardest i think , and now I am already losing hope. Five years of trials, pain, suffering, and abandonment do take toll on a person. And as much as I stick my neck out there, it is only too much that I can bear. There have been too many mistakes I have committed, too much wrong choices, and so many failures in the past 5 years. To be honest, nothing in my life right now is what I have thought it would become. I have failed so many things, that right now it already seems impossible that I could actually succeed on anything at all. I am scared that I have made too many promises for us, that in the end I couldnt deliver. The truth is I just want to marry you. Live a life with you, start building our own home, share more memories together, be with you as much I could, and be accepted in the eyes of the Lord. I want to make you happy, and take care of you, like most of the people in the life will do to the ones they love. I hope I am not the exception, I hope it is not too much to ask for. I am scared of failing my life.
When we broke up for a while, I thought I was in the middle of finding myself again. I was getting used to not seeing you and not feeling the need to see you. Until that very day I will never forget when you cried to me and told me If it is not me who you cant be with in the end, then who else will be. You said it in such a way that you meant it so much as if there is no one in your world but me, that is when I came back, because I realized that there is no life without you. In the past months we said hard things to each other, some of them were very painfull. But despite those demeaning insults and words, I take courage and trust and remember the day you told me that. And everything else you say to me is quickly forgotten because to my heart you are so easily loved.
Im sorry sweetiepie, I tried to be the best person for you, I tried to keep up with my promises. But if I cant give them all to you I will always be happy to know that you are always happy.

Love,
Albert

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

February 14, 2013

Dear Sweetiepie,

This is my first letter for the year 2013. It’s “corny” because today is Valentine’s Day but I want you to know that even if today is just an ordinary day, I still intent to write you this letter.

I really want to thank you for the countless support and assistance you have given all these times. I’m feeling like I owe everything to you. We both know that my job right now is not that good and we both regret that I chose this opportunity. I would like you to know that even if I feel so depressed in countless times for this wrong decision, you are the strength that motivates me to wake up every day and go to work. I even work harder even if I do not feel any achievement or accomplishment when doing so. And that is all because of you. Everything I do is all because of you. It is all because you believe in me and you always assure me that everything will be alright. And I guess, I am still waiting for everything to fall on its right places for us to be able to somehow overcome this ordeal. Going to work every day is like going to hell every day. But I am surviving each and every day because I am looking forward to hear your voice at the end of the day that somehow alleviates the feeling of burning pain I am feeling everyday in hell. Even more when I think of seeing you at the end of the week that can make me feel like I am in heaven again. You are the best blessing I have ever received from my entire life and I will be eternally grateful for that.

Sweetiepie, I may not have the means now to buy you shoes, clothes, perfumes, and other apparels but I will do my best to give you the love that is worth more than a million times than those costly things. And someday, when I will have all the means to buy you those things, I assure you that I will give you the best of all those best things not because we are worldly but because you deserve more than those best things. I maybe just giving you my promats as my monthsarry gift but I promise you that behind those cheap promats is my unfailing love that will be with you no matter what the circumstances are.

I love you everyday sweetiepie and I am missing you each and every day. I really desire to be with you forever. I will be delighted to wake up every morning seeing your face, hearing your snore. Hehehe. I love you even more than these words can say.

Love,

Natdem

MARCH 2, 2012

2;00 am

Dear Natdem,

Im writing this down because i cant sleep thinking about things this morning. I took you to the airport because you have to go to manila for your masteral. I am so proud of you. I feel like the luckiest guy alive to be with you. As i walk towards the exit of the airport, passing along people along that steep slope to climb my foot heading towards the huge gray metal gates, I began feeling so small against the world, and people, cars, and their lives starting the day. I thought about my own self and im the poorest man without you. I feel ashamed of myself as I have literally nothing but dole-outs and my little savings with me. I think about schooling and my friends who have passed the bar, and i felt confused and lost that after you were gone i asked myself loudly , "what now?". I have no idea where to go, not only about getting home and where to get a jeep, but also with my life. I stand in the corner of the road and I resolve my predicament. I looked back at myself and realized that I have nothing to be complaining about but only to be grateful  Im so thankful that you love me so much. Your love is so strong that even just by looking at your eyes, the soul in me is calmed. By the nearness of you my worries disappear. By your smile I am willing to live a miserable life. Natdem, today as I write this down I have  nothing in my life but you. Thank you for loving me. For seeing the good in me when I even hate how i have become. I may not be the best person in the world for you. I may not even become a lawyer or a successful person. I may have not own a thing or become somebody. My dreams would not even become real. I may have even failed the most things in my life. But its okay, I am fine because i have you. You are my greatest accomplishment. You are my dream that has come true. I could say tonight that i have loved living my life only because you have been in it. Thank you and im sorry for the imperfections and shortness of myself. I love you.

Albert

Dear albert,

As I woke up this morning, I thought of you and paused for a while. It came to my mind that today is our monthsarry but I can hardly remember if how many months we've together now. All I know was that we celebrated our 4th anniversary last May. It's funny to think that even though we've been together for 4 years now, we are still celebrating our relationship by months. Just like now, i cannot remember and it makes me so tired to count the months. Hehehe. Anyway, happy monthsarry sweetiepie andnim still hoping that one day, we will be together not just for 4 years and 3 months but for eternity.

Aside from our monthsary, I also would like to greet you a happy birthday. You're already 28 years old. Just a cuople of years, you will be in your 30s. You're getting old. Hehehe. I'm grateful that even if we are getting older, you're love for me is still the same. I 'm so happy that you are loving me regardless of the things that happened in the past and regardless of my imperfections.

I want you to know that I love you so much and I want you to be happy always. I'll do anything just for you to feel good about yourself. I hope you can borrow my eyes so you will see how perfect you are. I hope you will not anymore feel bad about yourself, your illnesses, your imperfections, and your failures. You are great and awesome. Nobody is perfect but you are made perfect for me.

I am glad that you stood by me all throughout my masters years. You are editing my work and coaching me what to do, what to think, how to do it, and how to think. Many people are thinking that I am smart but they did not know that behind this smart girl, there is you. I cannot imagine how my papers would look like without you. Both of us know that I am not good in writing and grammar. I owe my success to you. I just hope that I can land on a better job after this masters degree. I am so grateful for loving me still despite the distance that separates us. Thank you for being so patient at times when I am being so cruel.

Words cannot express my gratitude to you for loving me this big. I love you too so much. I cannot wait to see you. I'll give you my birthday and monthsary gift when you get here nextweek. See you soon sweetiepie. Iloveyou.

Dear Natdem,

I cannot compute how long have we been together in months. We have been together for a long time now and been through almost anything in life. Despite of the ups and downs we managed to keep ourselves together.

Today marks my 28th birthday and I cannot imagine how fast the time passes by. I still remember the first day I saw you. I was only 23 and was still adjusting to normal life. I have never gone out with a girl in my entire life that it made that moment memorable than anything else. When I first saw you, my heart followed you like a man who follows the pathway the way to his home. Our beginning wasnt perfect, but was neither immaterial. For have those things never happened, I may have never truly valued what we have today.

I remember everything we have been through as if I had a second life and it started with you. I remember how brave you were in difficult times. I remember how strong and hardworking you are to reach the desires of your heart. I have seen you progress into an even wonderful smart woman in more ways than I could imagine. I am proud of you, and all the things you have achieved.

Thank you Natdem for loving me when I myself find it impossible to do. Thank you for understanding me, and still choosing me despite of my health problems and incompetencies. I am not an ideal boyfriend and my weaknesses bring insecurity nearby. I am grateful for your love because it has allowed me comfort and assurance to make these sufferings worthwhile. I am a lucky man to be your boyfriend. I only ask you to allow my entire lifetime to pay you in return.

I love you . Happy Monthsary.
Albert

April 17, 2012

Dear Albert,

It's been almost 48 months since we started this relationship. I'm so happy knowing you for this long. You always have me at my best and worst times. I'm so thankful and forever grateful for knowing you. I read your email and I'm so touched by the words you said. I posted your email message here. Hehehe. And this is a reply regarding that message.

I want you to know that I don't care about our broken dreams and promises. Whether it will come true or not, you are still the one that I love, to whom I will spend the rest of my life and eternity with. I want you to know that even if you fail your law school a million times, I will still be here for you and even if you spend the rest of your 20's in law school, I will still be here for you. I will even wait for another decade of your 30's until such time, the perfect time will come for us to get married.

I told you already that quantity of years spent is useless, it is how we spent it. I'm grateful that we spent 4 years of our lives together, overcoming such trials and downfalls. This is not just the only time we will fail or fall, this is just the first. I want you to know that even if you fall a million times, I will be here for you. Although I cannot afford to catch you because your weight outweighs mine, I will be waiting in the ground lending my hand for you to be able to get up. I will always be here for you, sweetiepie.

Don't worry about our goals and dreams. Being with you and seeing you are already "dreams come true." The happiness I feel every time we're together is the one true goal I been waiting all my life. I am so grateful that for every challenges we faced for the last 48 months, our love grew stronger. I believe that for this trial we are facing today, for this kind of uncertainty of what tomorrow can bring for the both us, is just a consequence that we need to face in order for us to be strong.

Don't lose hope sweetiepie. Our Heavenly Father has molded you into a man that He wants you to be. Just have trust in Him and abide in Him. I know He never left us and He will never leave us. Don't think that life is unfair. He has given much. For me, this relationship alone that we have for 48 months is too much to ask. Just be happy with what you have. Things always happen for a reason. We can overcome this one.

No matter what happen to our tomorrow, my love for you will never falter. It will grow and grow as if I have loved just yesterday. My energy will never stutter, I am always hopeful in achieving our goals and dreams. For me, there are no broken dreams and promises. We just have so little time but so much things to do. Don't worry and don't be weary. If this trial will alter our dreams and goals and will change our lives, I am willing to start with you all over again as long as you are with me, hopeful for tomorrow.

Albert, you are such a wonderful person. I am thankful each and every day for having you in my life in a span of 48 months now. And I'll still be thankful and grateful each and every day even for the next 48 months of my life whether you are already a lawyer at that time or still a law student and whether you are already my husband that time or still my boyfriend. Nothing will change. I love you very much and I am certain that for the next 48 months, no matter what the circumstances are, I will still love you more and more.

I love you, Albert...

Natdem

April 16, 2012

Dear Natdem,

Its 1:43 am Monday and i cant put myself to sleep. Today or a few hours later I will begin to tackle one of the hardest points of my life. This setback has been the hardest for me and i literally cry in depression of the failure i have come to be. I dont know what will happen to me today or the next few days, but one thing is for sure whatever happens later will alter the course of my life significantly. But for now i want to tell you how i feel about us.

Each night as i struggle to bed, I would always remember the first time i heard your voice. You called me and you were having your graduation party off samal. I remember your voice laughing and another lady voice which i would later know to be josel. I would remember looking at your pics at friendster one by one clicking through the graduation pics taken to some pics you took from home. I would remember the first time i held your hands, the first meal we ate together, the first kiss you gave me. Everything with you is first for me, still today there are first things for me with you too. You are my first , my one and only. Nothing has preceded or followed you. I remember how simple our lives were going through the day, dreaming of things, and promising of things. It has been four years that have passed and i hate to say it that some of our dreams did not come true.

I may have failed some of my wishes and desires. I have failed you in so many ways and those things made you upset. But theres one thing i can assure you of, that tonight as i wrote this letter I have always loved you and will always love you. I may have nothing today, and i dont know what ill have tomorow. But I will not hesitate to give you my strength , my time, my effort, and my heart. As flimsy as they sound, they are the only things that I have with me. Im sorry. I love you Natdem and everything about you. I would not have my life any other way. I have realized that because i have lived so much in the future and so eager to live my goals, that four years have passed by through me quickly and i have taken for granted other important things.

I love you so much. Its not because that i have less feelings for you that i do not write anymore, but because I think i have already used up all words to explain and express what i feel for you. Time has been so quick and we are together now for so very long, yet i feel like i have known you yesterday and havent had enough of you. I love you i always will be here for you.

Albert

29 July 2011

Albert,

3 months have passed that distance literally separates us from seeing each other. I miss you so bad. And I was hurt yesterday when you said that you almost forgot me. You already forgot the scent of my perfume. I don't want you to forget even the scent of my hair. You even slept last night without saying "i love you". I cried at the thought of that and even until now I'm crying remembering yesterday. I am bothered and I don't want this to happen.

I'm glad being with this Masters' program. I know this is a blessing. This is for us. Please don't give up. I'm just away for just a year. After this, we will be happy being together again and you will see me anytime you want. We even have plans of getting married next year, right? Just hold on. I know that this is hard for you and you're having difficulties in adapting our situation.

I'm sorry if at times, I misinterpret you or if I talk amiss judging you and say offensive words. I did not mean that. I'm just upset with your responses and you even sound judgmental at times which I don't like. I'm sorry.

I'm missing and wanting you so bad right now. I wish you are with me travelling through this MRT and LRT, travelling through buses and jeepneys exhausted from the traffic, figuring out which way to go, buying these new things, being with these new places, going to different malls,etc. How I wish you are here. How I pray that someday we can do this together in this big and new city for us. I miss laughing with you. I miss having dinner with you, walking with you, leaning in your arms, holding your arms and hands, listening to your jokes while looking at your face mimicking. I miss your arms around me. I miss you breathing so close to me. I miss those hands that caress me. I miss everything in you. I miss you.

Being with you in Baguio was an awesome experience. It was a nice place and my experiences there was beautiful because of you. I just thought that being with you in that place was impossible but you made it real. You made my dream come true. And I was so surprised that you still remember my literal dream that the man I will marry is the one riding with me in a blue bus in long long hours of journey. It was indeed you that my dream when I was a teenager is trying to portray - the man of my dreams. Hehehe. I'm not thinking about it anymore but you refreshed that memory. Hehehe. SO funny yet so surprising. We really rode a blue bus to Baguio and to Manila - Genesis and Partas - and we traveled for a total of 16hours back and forth. Am I right? I know it's you. Hehehe.

Honestly, I prayed to Heavenly Father before committing to this relationship. I'm glad that you are a man who remains steadfast against all these circumstances and trials. I'm so much blessed that you are my answered prayer. And when you broke up with me months ago, I prayed to Heavenly Father again and I'm still glad and blessed that you are still my answered prayer. I know it's you. You are a great great blessing to me. I still don't know what I've done so good and so best that God has given me this great great blessing. God has given me you.

Thank you for being so strong and standing with conviction to stay and love me no matter what. You see good things in me that others cannot. You treat me like a treasured pearl that no one can afford to loose. You accept everything in me and assure to me all the time that I am special. You love me and you live your life in the bounds of my love also.

I love you and you are special to me. I hope you know that. You are my life and my answered prayer. Like a pearl or diamond, I cannot afford to loose you too. And I want you to know that I'm committed to stay with you no matter what. I will stand firm for this relationship and for you for the rest of our eternity. I am determined to do everything just to be your partner even in life after death. I cannot see my life living without you but I simply see my life living with you until I grow old and die and even in my next life.

I love you very much.

Natdem

June 26, 2011

Im writing you this letter Natdem because I could not express this by voice or by text, and because right now you are sleeping soundly away from me and im nursing a very bad ear-headache. Last week after five years i was finally able to walk again the very same roads i used to walk in my mission. I went to Baguio and to Rosario and passed by my old mission memories. The only difference this time is I am not a missionary and I was with you. Before my flight to Manila my thoughts were anxious with how i would feel when i get there. Would i be as excited and happy as i would be in my dreams and longing to go back there? Would i be able neglect you that you are around when ill be there with Bryan? Will i be happier to see my mission again than seeing you?

Im glad that even before i even stepped on a bus to go to baguio that these questions were answered. When I got off the plane and i could not get a signal, i was so worried that you will get lost. I was so worried where you might have been and i could not imagine you being lost in a big city where i could not even have a single clue myself where i am. When finally i saw you, my heart was broken to see you so pale, losing weight,, with chaffed lips. I was so worried and glad to see you that i could not even be happy seeing bryan. all i wanted to do that time was to hug you and cry my eyes because i finally understood that the reason why I was there was nothing but to see you. When we left you at your boarding house, and we took the ride to bryan;s home all i can ever think of is you. how i loved you, how i missed you, how i felt like it was way back before that i would cry when you leave me at ecoland terminal to go to digos. even when i was about to sleep i still think about you. I woke up so early and travel alone just to see you the following day. Being with you alone is the best feeling in the world, and it doesnt matter where we are in it.

When we travelled to baguio, and you were beside me, i have finally realized something. Something that i should have overcome a long time ago. That my mission was real and it was long over. I used to have this feeling that my mission was like a dream , that baguio or manila, or the areas and the people were just dreams and arent true. Because it felt that way, i was made to believe that going back to those places is impossible. But then because of you, you made it real. And now i can finally connect the dots, and understand that there is nothing waiting for me in baguio, and that there is no place for me there anymore and that i have to stop dreaming about it. Its the same place, and its the very same spots, but because you are with me, finally the dream isnt that exciting anymore. Its like the same feeling i get when i go to bankerohan. It meant nothing to me anymore. What means everything to me is the smile that is on your face and seeing you beside me.

Natdem, i missed your mouth i missed your hands, the scent of your hair, the shape of your lips, the feel of your skin, the sound of your voice. During those times, all that mattered was you. Not my areas, not my mission, not everything there. I finally understood that in order to be happy, its not the place that matters, but the person you are with that time. I was happy because you were there. I am happy because i am with you. Im a very lucky guy because i have you. Take you away, and i have a miserably life to live.

When the day came when you took me to the airport, i controlled myself all of my strength to keep my emotions. But seeing you, and knowing that you are so far away from me gets the best of me. I love you Natdem, I loved you, i will love you, and i always will be loving you. I cannot wait till you graduate from your masters .

I have so many feelings i want to express now, but i cant put them into words. Now that I have overcome a part of my life, another dream remains. The dream of you. the dream that someday i will always see you everyday of my life. The dream to have my kids with you. the dream to build us a home, the dream to see and enter the temple together, the dream to take care of you always, the dream to love you eternally, the dream to grow old together, the dream to marry you. Thank you Natdem for making my life beautiful, and for making me realize that dreams sometimes come true, because once upon a time more than 3 years ago, you were only just my dream as well.

i love you sweetiepie, thank you so much,

albert.

09 May 2011

Dear Albert,

Happy Anniversary.

We've been through a lot of trials. Our love was tested. I thought I'm gonna loose you. I'm so much happy cause you are still with me. I'm happy cause you are still loving me up to this point. Three years is quite so long. I cant believe that love at first sight is true cause that's what I feel when the first time I saw you three years ago. I'm glad that I'm still pondering on that feelings and it keeps on growing until now. You are my answered prayer. I'll be a million times thankful for having you in my life. I can only live once. And I'd like to spend my whole lifetime with you. And even if I can live a million times, I will still spend my whole chances of living with you.

I know it's you.

Happy anniversary. I love you.

Love,

Natdem

May 4 2011

Dear Natdem,

I write this letter because I could not sleep, and my thoughts keep following you. As I write this letter I see your beautiful face. The one that has been with me all through these years. I write again to thank you for holding on to the times that i couldnt. I am so grateful that you stood by me despite of the difficulty of dealing my shortcomings.

Although it sound pretty odd to say this , but I am grateful for the pain and problems we had to encounter. Ironically, breaking up with you was the best thing that ever happened to us. Not because I got tired of us, but because it only proved the things that I have always doubted to be untrue.

I love you natdem. I always have and i guess i have no choice but to love you, because I know no other way than this.

Albert

03April2011

Dear Albert,

If it comes in your mind to visit this site and happened to read this, this is the day you said you don't want me anymore and you don't anymore have a single feeling of love left for me. And this is the day i felt that it is true. I want you to know that today,my life ended. Today,i stop hoping,loving,and i wanna stop living.

You are the only person that I got and proud to call mine. Now that you're gone,I feel so empty and I only got nothing but a life miserable to live. I don't want to let go but I have to coz you want me to. You showed me how it was to love and be loved in return. I saw how you remain faithful and steadfast against all the trials this life can offer. As I hear you say,you don't want me anymore,my heart is crushed,cut a million times and I don't know how to mend these broken pieces for you are the only one who can make this as what you always do.

You've changed a lot. Where's now your faith and hope that I always used to see and feel. You're faith, hope, and love are where I'm finding strength. How can I stand up now when I only got nothing but my weak and poor self to rely on.

I love you so much, Albert and I don't think I can still love again if it's not you. My love for you will always resounds even down to my grave. My love for you is true and eternal and forever echoes in this abyss. I want to say I'm sorry for all the things that caused you pain. I'm sorry for your broken dreams and sacrifices. I'm sorry for falling out of love with me. I'm sorry for all the ugly words I've said. Well,I guess,when a person is mad or angry,he/she says ugly words he/she did'nt mean. I didn't mean everything I've said that hurt you. I'm sorry for evrything.

I want you to know also that nothing compares to the happines I have by just looking at you closely. I can't explain the completenes I have when I hold your hand. You don't know how it feels to finally find a resting place when you hug me. Oh how lovely the words "i love you" when it is uttered by you. By just sitting beside you, I felt so secured.

If only I could face Heavenly Father, I'd kneel at His feet and asked you in His hands and I'd be willing to bear all the consequences whatever it takes just to have you through eternity. Albert, I just don't know how to face the next one minute of my life, without you in it. You are my strength and you are my life. How can I be strong and accept all these pains when you are my only strength and courage to move on? How can I be happy without you when you are the happiness that fills my world? How can I live without you when you are my life?

I just don't know what to do but pray harder to conquer all these burdens and pains. I have nothing but my hopeless state, trying to hope for nothing ahead. I just hope everything will be alright and everything will just come to pass. (Oh God, please give me strength. Help me all through these.)

I keep praying and hoping that you are still my answered prayer.

I love you.

Natdem